Tag Archives: gaslighting

Another Mom Bullied To Death By Family Court

Family Court Causes Another Mother’s Death

RIP Nia

All she wanted was her kids.

Sian, Nia’s sister

December 16, 2021 The Women’s Coalition

An inquest into a Welsh Mother’s tragic death concluded that the cause of her death was suicide by hanging.

What the report doesn’t say is that it was Family Court that caused Nia to commit suicide by taking and not protecting her children.

Nia’s self-esteem plummeted, she was unable to continue in her career, and she was overwhelmed by the legal proceedings. The loss of custody and inability to protect her children became just too painful for her to bear.

MSM (mainstream media) is reporting that Nia took her life due to “chronic anxiety”. They do not report that her anxiety was justified, caused by Family Court.

Nia’s relationship with the father of her children is framed as “toxic”, which puts the blame equally on her, rather than on his abuse. She was made to feel like she was a bad mother, but her own mother confirmed she was really an excellent mum.

MSM virtually never puts the blame where it belongs—on Family Court judges, and the system itself—when mothers or children lose their lives by suicide or murder when the mother is trying to protect her children from an abusive father in Family Court.

This misreporting by the media of the devastation of mothers and children in Family Courts contributes greatly to the perpetuation of the Crisis. It’s up to social media and internet platforms such as Substack to get the truth about the Custody Crisis.

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ACTIVISM

If you are in the UK, you can write to any of the major MSM outlets that reported on Nia’s suicide. Ask them to report on the real reason Nia is dead: Family Court. You can include a link to this post.

MSM ARTICLE

‘SHINING LIGHT’: Ex-Wales hockey player ‘took her own life after suffering from chronic anxiety’

Join The Women’s Coalition and help end the crisis.

https://www.womenscoalitioninternational.org/

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MALIGNANT Narcissists: Dr. Ramani

Dr. Ramani Durvasula is an American clinical psychologist, professor of psychology, media expert, and author. This three part series explores in depth the Malignant Narcissist.

Part 1 of 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3J4MEQ3N03w

Part 2 of 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0iUJjxt40c

Part 3 of 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWx_T6UfZiE

Maybe you’re not mentally ill-maybe your body & mind are just saying NO to abuse, Lisa Nadig

An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.” -Viktor Frankl

He should know, he’s the world-famous psychiatrist who survived the Nazi Holocaust, along with their murder of every single one of his family members.

All abusers, and all corrupt court parasites in the Family Court Holocaust label abuse victims as “mentally ill”. That’s the way the game is played, and rigged. All the better to silence you so they can continue whatever their game of abuse at the moment happens to be. And then of course, to harvest victims for the litigation-therapy racket.

But if they really hit the jackpot with a victim with some real financial assets, then look out because you’re ripe for probate court crimes, i.e. conservatorship or guardianship abuse. Or in my case, Elder Abuse of my father – Financial Exploitation of An Elderly Person With a Disability, which for the high dollar amount in our case, just happens to be a Class I Felony here in Illinois.

The most famous, current example is Britney Spears, whose corrupt child custody case fed directly into her current 13-year long Conservatorship nightmare. All abusers and court parasites know the best way to control a woman is through their kids. Britney was threatened with you’d better agree to this conservatorship or you’ll never see your kids again.

Britney Spears

She had good reason to believe them too, as Jane Shatz – (who lost her license in California for misconduct & is now trying to get licensed in Nevada) – wrote a fraudulent custody evaluation for the kids’ father, Jason Federline & Spears’ very own father – the perfect team of misogynistic domestic abusers ganging up on the woman in the family, you know – just keeping her in her place, right? You know, that little woman whose hard work, and world class talent is feeding, clothing and housing them all. Now, at age 39, Spears has finally said NO, this is enough.

I should know too – my ex-husband and his gang of court parasites and psychopaths, trying their best to label me as “crazy”. They were so frustrated, they thought they had finally won this key play in the abusers/court parasite handbook. Imagine their surprise when their little Gaslighting scam on me failed. And all they had to show for their manipulations was “Adjustment Disorder” – Situational Depression/Anxiety caused by THEM – BY THEIR LEGAL & FINANCIAL ABUSE!

And while our four generation family farm wealth certainly pails in comparison to what an abusive ex & court parasites can steal from a mega star like Britney Spears, my share of our estate was ripe for their pickings, with an elderly father ill with Parkinson’s, and his wife’s health failing from failed back surgery syndrome. But if it was this easy to commit all these crimes against a major world pop star, just think how easy it is to do to the rest of us?!

Trust Beneficiary Rights – It is a crime to interfere with a Trust Beneficiary’s legal rights to payment, information, and an accounting of the Trust.

I shouldn’t be forced to publish the legal rights of a Trust Beneficiary on the internet because of an ex-husband’s interference in Son receiving copy of the Trust. But here it is. It’s a crime to interfere with a Trust Beneficiary’s legal rights.

Trust Beneficiaries have the right to the document itself! And they have all the other rights listed blow. (At the bottom, there is a link to the new Illinois Trust code.)

  • Payment. Current beneficiaries have the right to distributions as set forth in the trust document.
  • Right to information. Current and remainder beneficiaries have the right to be provided enough information about the trust and its administration to know how to enforce their rights.
  • Right to an accounting. Current beneficiaries are entitled to an accounting. An accounting is a detailed report of all income, expenses, and distributions from the trust. Usually trustees are required to provide an accounting annually, but that may vary, depending on the terms of the trust. Beneficiaries may also be able to waive the accounting.
  • Remove the trustee. Current and remainder beneficiaries have the right to petition the court for the removal of the trustee if they believe the trustee isn’t acting in their best interest. Trustees have an obligation to balance the needs of the current beneficiary with the needs of the remainder beneficiaries, which can be difficult to manage.
  • End the trust. In some circumstances, if all the current and remainder beneficiaries agree, they can petition the court to end the trust. State laws vary on when this is allowed. Usually, the purpose of the trust must have been fulfilled or be impossible.

https://www.elderlawanswers.com/5-rights-that-trust-beneficiaries-have-15244

https://www.llflegal.com/the-new-illinois-trust-code-what-trustees-beneficiaries-and-estate-planners-need-to-know#:~:text=Of%20the%20trust’s%20existence%2C%20the,within%2090%20days%20of%20acceptance)

AMother’sHeartSongsUnsilenced Turns Seven: Why I Write, Lisa Nadig

#nataliekoga #exposethecorruption

I was forced to look directly into the face of evil, and I saw evil looking back at me. But I learned that telling the truth really does set you free – It might even save your life.

Seven years ago, on my birthday in 2014, I had no idea that my simple, anonymous blog post about a birthday cut off from my only child due to court licensed abuse, would morph into a website with the power to force the rich and powerful corrupt players in my Chicago family court case to resign. I only knew in my heart that day, celebrating my birthday alone, that I must express the inexpressible, because it was killing me. So, without any training as a writer, journalist, activist or web designer, I wrote my first article, Birthday Reflections, and published it here anonymously, on July 5, 2014.

But when the post exposing corrupt Child Representative Natalie Koga went viral, I began receiving anonymous threats to take this website down. Little did I know at the time that they were all facing investigation due to this exposure. But I will never be silenced by such bullies, and I have never accepted any payment for this website – a labor of love for fellow survivors.

Abusers know the best way to break a woman is by taking her Child. When an abusive man files for Sole Custody he gets it 70% of the time.

What began as a simple blog, developed into a comprehensive website. I’ve been contacted by people from all over the United States, and Europe, sharing similar stories, and thanking me for this site.

This site is searchable, organized under Categories and Tags. There are static “Pages” across the top, and Blog posts running down the right side.

It covers domestic abuse, legal abuse/court stalking, court corruption, Kids for Cash scams, the litigation-therapy racket, the billions of dollars in federal money for abusive fathers through the Federal Fatherhood Initiative driving these cases, the need for oversight/accountability for judges, lawyers, and court vendors, and cameras in the courtroom. Also included is information on Conservatorship and Guardianship abuse because Family Court crimes are frequently a gateway to Probate crimes.

It has comprehensive information on healing from trauma and corruption, including countless articles written by top experts, including Michael Volpe, Barry Goldstein, Tina Swithin, Doreen Ludwig, Sam Vaknin, Kim Saeed, and many others.

It also includes my own articles on healing, documenting the corruption in my own case, and others across the country. I’ve included case law, legal statutes, and lawsuits filed against corrupt officials, and abusive parents. There are Resources pages with hundreds of hours of researching and compiling valuable resources in one place.

Though when I started writing in 2014 this site was completely anonymous, my ex-husband and his vicious lawyers immediately began hauling me into court over it. Apparently, they didn’t want me to have a voice.

Natalie Koga pushed the judge to allow my ex to file 8 custody petitions, reducing my Child & I to mere commodities in their Kids for Cash scam.

As my ex’s lawyer #6 abused, and harassed me on the witness stand, to my amazement, the corrupt judge was visibly moved by my writings. For a moment frozen in time forever etched in my memory, I saw a flicker of humanity, a flash of recognition that it was wrong. I saw the person he once was as a young man, or might have become, before he fell in line, “going along to get along” in the Cook County family court racket. Visibly shaken, he quietly excused me from testifying, and hurriedly dismissed their petition for sanctions against me.

Separating children from their mothers is big business. Billions$ in Federal Fatherhood funding drives these cases, along w/ an abuser’s drive to use litigation to punish his victim for leaving & avoid child support payments.

But they kept hauling me into court to answer countless harassing motions, including four attempts to throw me in jail – all alone – because there had been so much legal/financial abuse that they ran me out of money for a lawyer.

It’s been a very long, tough journey, these past seven years. I’ve discovered things about corruption in our courts, and our government, that quite frankly, sometimes I wish I didn’t know. Dark, disturbing, ugly things that make it difficult for me to celebrate July Fourth or other patriotic holidays.

I’m grateful to the wonderful friends and mentors I’ve met along this journey. I’m inspired daily by their courage, and dedication to helping innocent people used by corrupt court officials and vendors in their pursuit of easy wealth without work – their Kids For Cash scams.

I’m profoundly grateful to the countless court victims – parents and children – who’ve stepped forward, trusting me with their stories.

The truth really does set you free – Veritas liberabit.

I’ve learned that I could survive the un-survivable – a gang – a cabal really – that tried with all their might to bully me to death through family court. I survived their threats, and stalking – both in and out of court – while being forcibly stripped of my humanity, to be used as a commodity in their scams. And I’ve learned to never stop speaking the truth, for it has the power to set you free. It might even save your life.

My Father’s Trust Says Nobody But Bank Can Be Involved In My Son’s Money

To be absolutely clear, the terms of my Father’s Trust are that neither myself or my ex-husband can touch my Son’s money that was left to him by my Father. Neither I, or my ex-husband are allowed to be involved in the distribution of my Son’s money. His money is to be administered by the bank trustee ONLY, Citizens State Bank of Lena, Illinois, Trust Department.

I have reason for concern that my ex-husband may have tried to interfere with my Son’s communication with the bank trustee, because of how enraged he became when I mailed my Son a copy of my Dad’s Trust with a letter trying to give my Son the money I’ve set aside for him.

He has a well-documented history of intercepting & aggressively interfering w/ communications to my Son from family members and friends, and issuing threats.

He has also caused property damage to people trying to communicate with my Son.

My ex-husband should just get a life already. Or go back to where he came from before all his felony fraud finally catches up with him.

?WHY? would my ex-husband care if I sent my Son a copy of the Trust that he is a legal beneficiary of? It is his legal right to have this document, AND an accounting of the Trust from the Trust Department. My ex-husband should WANT our Son to have a copy of this document, a full accounting of the Trust, and to communicate with the bank Trustee regarding his own money.

We are concerned for my Son’s well-being, his financial freedom, and his personal freedom in general. My Son can call me any time, night or day, I don’t care if it’s 2am and he needs me, I will drop whatever I’m doing, I don’t care if I’m sleeping – he can call me at 815-242-2387, Google Voice. My Son can write me at P.O. Box 143, Galena, IL 61036, or he can call me and I will have a car sent to pick him up immediately no matter where he is. My Son is not alone. He is loved and he is important for himself, not because he’s someone’s cash cow.

And if my ex-husband and his friends want to try stalking & threatening me again, I’ll just publish all his sick, disgusting crap for the world to see like I did the last time. After all, bullies are such cowards and sunlight really is the best disinfectant.

We are also concerned because of my ex-husband’s well documented history of felony fraud:

From One Mom’s Battle: Domestic Violence By Proxy

“A Message from OMB’s President (Rebecca Davis Merritt) and Vice President (Jennifer) about Domestic Violence by Proxy: You have probably seen OMB’s informational poster about why we advocate not using the term or “theory” of Parental Alienation. We post it once a month encouraging our readers to understand that the controlling behaviors of Cluster B parents in trying to place a wedge between the children and healthy parent is Domestic Violence by Proxy. The emotional abuse of a Cluster B is domestic Violence (DV). When a Cluster B personality disordered individual enters the family court system they wage war upon the healthy parent.

They may have been absent parents never attending school, medical or dental appointments but suddenly they attend everything, preening as the doting father or mother and may push for custody. Custody is seen as a prize. The goal is to hurt the healthy primary parent and save money via child support calculations.

As part of that push they groom children to see their healthy parent as untrustworthy and self-centered (projection), with divorce or separation their fault while portraying the Cluster B parent as wounded and needing the children to shower him or her with love and affection. Children often respond to this gaslighting by siding with the abusive parent. The Cluster B parent often blames the healthy parent for his or her own actions, claiming parental alienation (PA). If the children distrust Cluster B parent based upon a history of abusive behaviors, this estrangement is labeled as PA. The healthy parent, unfortunately, is at serious risk of losing custody  in family court.

Men who physically batter their former partner are much more likely to gain custody than the healthy parent.  Courts have been taught that women claiming DV in family court are usually lying and using this false claim to secure custody. Even when DV claims are accepted, courts falsely believe DV only affects direct victim and that abusers can be good parents to their children. Once Cluster Bs have the children away from the healthy parent, they use manipulation and other forms of abuse to convince the children that their other parent never loved them and are untrustworthy. Alina Patterson (2003) first defined Domestic Violence by Proxy or DV Proxy. DV Proxy is a pattern of behavior where a parent with a history of using domestic violence, or intimidation uses the child (as a substitute) when s/he does not have access to the former partner. Continuing the cycle of domestic violence, the cycle of Domestic Violence by Proxy starts when the victim leaves the abuser and the abuser learns the easiest way to continue to harm and control the former partner is through controlling access to the children.

Once the abuser has control of the children they are able to continue stalking, harassing and abusing the former partner even when the abuser has no direct access. DV can manifest in ways such as threats to the children if they display a close relationship with the former partner, destroying the children’s favorite possessions given by the former partner and emotional abuse. Children are often coached to make false allegations about the parent.DV by proxy is very deliberate and planned. The abusers know what they are doing and chose their controlling, coercive, and illegal behaviors. The behaviors are usually surrounded by threats and fears and often include “battery, destruction of property, locking children in rooms to prevent them from calling parents, falsifying documents, along with other similar overt behaviors.”

As the leadership council suggests, “Calling this behavior “parental alienation” is not strong enough to convey the criminal pattern of terroristic behaviors employed by batterers.” Unlike Gardner’s discredited PAS theory, the behaviors associated with DV by proxy are visible. Gardner stated the behaviors by the “alienating parent” were unconscious or unseen. This is one of the scarier components in Gardner’s theory because you cannot defend yourself against unseen things. Many healthy parents have found themselves trying to defend themselves against these unseen behaviors.

Family court professionals often fail to understand the presence and implications of both domestic violence and Cluster B psychopathology. Thus family court usually encourages unfettered access of the children to abusers. Family court judges and lawyers often work to punish healthy parents reporting bona fide abuse. Yet, they often seem to believe the victim stories told by abusers. Court officials often seem slow to recognize how family court itself can be abusive, particularly protracted, repeated, unnecessary court hearings used by the abuser to drain the financial and emotional resources of the healthy parent. Children may be placed with the abuser while the healthy parent is discredited through accusations of mental illness or PA. Other professionals involved including GALs, evaluators, therapists, etc. often take on responsibilities that are beyond their skill level. Antisocial and or Narcissistic personality disordered parents with good impression management skills are adept at “conning people, or gaining sympathy, and can win the trust and support of a family court professional while turning that same person against their ex-partner.”

The main goal of the abuser is s/he will end up with complete control over the children and will use this power over his former partner, “who tried to escape the power and control of the once abusive marriage.” They do not care if the children are harmed as long as their former partner is hurt and they feel they have won. It is imperative that the healthy parent and attorney understands how to use DV by proxy to counter and claims of parental alienation.

The following links may also be helpful: http://www.thelizlibrary.org/liz/Hoult-PASarticlechildrenslawjournal.pdfhttps://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/dv.htmlhttp://www.dvleap.org/Programs/CustodyAbuseProject/PASCaseOverview.as 

###One Mom’s Battle: Our mission at One Mom’s Battle is to increase awareness of Cluster B personality disorders (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder) and their impact upon shared parenting and the Family Court System which includes Judges, CPS workers, Guardian ad Litems (GAL), Parenting Coordinators (PC), Custody Evaluators, therapists and attorneys. Education on Cluster B disorders will allow these professionals to truly act in the best interest of the children.

History of One Mom’s Battle: In 2009, One Mom’s Battle began with one mother, (Tina Swithin), navigating the choppy waters of a high-conflict divorce in the Family Court System. Since then, it has turned into a grassroots movement reaching the far corners of the Earth. Tina’s battle spanned from 2009 – 2014 during which time she acted as her own attorney. Ultimately, Tina was successful in protecting her daughters and her family has enjoyed complete peace since October 2014 when a Family Court commissioner called her ex-husband a “sociopath” and revoked his parenting time in a final custody order.Tina Swithin: Tina Swithin’s books are available online at Amazon (print, Kindle or audio format). Each year, Tina offers life-changing weekends of camaraderie and healing at the Lemonade Power Retreat.  Tina also offers one-on-one coaching services and a private, secure forum called, The Lemonade Club, for those enduring high-conflict custody battles.”https://www.onemomsbattle.com/blog/domestic-violence-by-proxy

Even More Of My Ex-Husband’s Fraud Uncovered, Lisa Nadig

#exposethecorruption #nataliekoga

I keep uncovering more of my ex-husband’s fraud and lies. Just when you think a person couldn’t possibly lie this much, you find more. It’s truly astounding. I can’t wrap my head around someone lying so much, committing so much blatant felony fraud – doing it all so effortlessly – to so many people.

I recently paid for a subscription to PACER, the online federal court records system. I looked up my ex’s bankruptcy, and sure enough he lied in that too. Case #: 1:15-bk-22226 He committed felony fraud with the lies that he filed in these court papers. He falsely claimed that his nearly $100k debt with divorce lawyer Meg Jackson was due to me trying to take away his visitation. He’s so good at the pity play – the poor victim act, but in fact, his debt was due to HIM aggressively re-litigating custody over and over again after it had been decided in my favor – in all he filed EIGHT petitions for Sole Custody. And it was HIM that took away completely any contact with my child.

Bankruptcy Court Dirksen Federal Building Chicago

I’m not sad that Meg Jackson (Now Mary Elizabeth) never got paid for all of her vicious legal abuse, bullying and harassment. She seemed more suited to a bar-room brawl, than a so-called dignified court of law. She lied so much for my ex-both in court and in the sleazy, schlocky crap she would file on his behalf. She clearly never verified any of his horrific, and ridiculous lies before she filed them.

Perhaps there is some justice in seeing the woman who bullied me mercilessly get stiffed. Jackson was the thug who sent me a cruel email immediately after my father’s death trying to keep me from his funeral. Perhaps she and my ex deserved each other.

He falsely claimed in his bankruptcy filing that he had been forced to pay my attorney’s fees of $22k. At no time did he ever pay my attorney’s fees-there was never such a court order entered! I WISH Judge Levinson would have followed the equal playing field laws and ordered him to pay my legal fees, then I wouldn’t have run out of money for a lawyer, and been thrown to the rabid wolves while trying to represent myself!

Bankruptcy Court Dirksen Federal Building Chicago

He also fraudulently concealed from the bankruptcy trustee his home purchase-the home where he currently resides in Hoffman Estates – by having someone else buy in his name, then as soon as the bankruptcy discharged, placing it in his own name.

It was impossible to stay ahead of his years-long, aggressive legal abuse and court stalking for three reasons:

1.) He was making over $100k per year at the time. (Of course he lied about his salary in the family court documents)

2.) He was exploiting my elderly, ill father who had Parkinson’s disease for over $60K, and eventually used his fraudulent custody switch to manipulate my father into signing over my share of our four generation family farm trust to him worth in the millions of dollars. Class 1 Felony, Elder Abuse: Financial Exploitation Of An Elderly Person With A Disability. https://www.ilga.gov/legislation/ilcs/fulltext.asp?DocName=072000050K17-56#:~:text=(b)%20Sentence.-,Financial%20exploitation%20of%20an%20elderly%20person%20or%20a%20person%20with,or%20more%20but%20less%20than

3.) He’s a lawyer kiter! He kept stiffing his lawyers – he went through six lawyers this way! Just like a check kiter, he scammed his own lawyers by kiting them, one after the other. Too bad in a place as big as Chicago, they never had the chance to meet each other to compare notes. He would hire one, pay a retainer, they would do work for him, he would stop paying, they would continue filing stuff against me while he made false promises to pay, until they got tired of working for free and withdrew, while he already had a new lawyer lined up to cycle through the same way. The biggest debt he refused to pay was his last lawyer, Meg Jackson-who now goes by “Mary Elizabeth”, and moved her law practice to Lake County. They fought each other in federal court when he illegally discharged her bill in his fraudulent bankruptcy.

I’ll never forget the day in family court when Meg Jackson filed her appearance, with his old attorney present representing the office of Jeffrey Leving, arguing to get paid. Meg Jackson was crying and whining on behalf of her new client to get the deranged, imbalanced and perpetually intoxicated Judge Alfred Levinson to sign an order forcing Jeffrey Leving’s office to release his case files they were holding – their attempt to make him pay. The easily-manipulated Judge Levinson signed the order, because corrupt Child Rep Natalie Koga wanted more $$$-making litigation, and my ex with his seemingly never-ending supply of $$$ was out for blood. This paved the way for the most vicious legal abuse of all – a fraudulent custody switch to my ex, and complete loss of contact with my son, not even allowed to send a Christmas or Birthday card, or even have supervised visitation.

Cook Co. Third Municipal Court Rolling Meadows, IL

The lies he told in family court were the most sleazy imaginable, to the point where my highly-respected attorney Karen Conti stated “after a day in court on the Mehdipour divorce I feel like I need to go home and take a shower.” The most disturbing, was the day my ex took the witness stand under oath, actually claiming I tried to abort my son. Can you imagine how traumatic this was to hear, and to then feel like I had no choice but to contact my obstetrician, requesting a doctor’s letter stating the truth? What kind of a sick person even thinks something like that up in the first place???!!!

The fraud on the court in the family law case was so egregious, that most of the major players, including Judge Levinson, Child Rep Natalie Koga, and my ex’s lawyer Elliott Heidelberger all abruptly “retired” early, simultaneously, to avoid investigation. Meg Jackson changed her name to “Mary Elizabeth”, and moved her practice to Lake County.

My ex-husband told countless vicious, life-altering lies about me, causing my family and me immeasurable hurt and pain. And they were told with such apparent charm and ease.

I’ve also uncovered secret Post Office Boxes he kept while we were married. Everything truly was a big lie.

Welcoming immigrants is a value we Americans uphold. Especially immigrants that are honest, hard-working, and do whatever they can to give back to their welcoming host country, and try to make this a better place. But taking advantage of everyone’s kindness and small town naivete, through fraud and exploitation, are my ex-husband’s best and most prolific contributions to this country, his adopted homeland. How sad. And pathetic. My beautiful father-in-law would be so ashamed if he were alive today, to see the results of his hard work in sending his son to this country. So this begs the obvious question: What DIDN’T my ex-husband lie about?

Abusive Power And Control

The following is an excerpt of an excellent resource on Abusive Power And Control behaviors from Wikipeda. Please see the link at the bottom of this excerpt for the complete article. It does a great job of showing many of the power and control tactics used by abusive, controlling, and manipulative people in one short article. It is also helpful in that it lists what most would consider as “positive behaviors”, i.e. doing “nice things” for someone. Most articles on abuse, power and control, and coercive control focus on the overtly negative behaviors, but leave out these positive behaviors that are also used to coerce and control others.

However, it does omit Suicidality. Many abusive, controlling and manipulative people also use threats of suicide as a means of coercive control, emotional abuse and blackmail. These suicidal threats can be overt, or more subtle references to suicide, with a manipulative, controlling intent.

Abusive power and control (also controlling behavior and coercive control) is commonly used by an abusive person to gain and maintain power and control over another person in order to subject that victim to psychologicalphysicalsexual, or financial abuse. The motivations of the abuser are varied and can include devaluationenvy, personal gain, personal gratificationpsychological projection, or just for the sake of the enjoyment of exercising power and control.[1]

Controlling abusers use tactics to exert power and control over their victims. The tactics themselves are psychologically and sometimes physically abusive. Control may be exerted through economic abuse, limiting the victim, as they may not have the means to resist or leave the abuse.[2] The goal of the abuser is to control, intimidate, and influence the victim to feel they do not have an equal voice in the relationship.[3]

Manipulators and abusers often control their victims with a range of tactics, including, but not limited to, positive reinforcement (such as praisesuperficial charmflatteryingratiationlove bombingsmilinggifts, attention), negative reinforcement (taking away aversive tasks or items), intermittent or partial reinforcement, psychological punishment (such as naggingsilent treatmentswearingthreatsintimidationemotional blackmailguilt trips, inattention) and traumatic tactics (such as verbal abuse or explosive anger).[4]

The vulnerabilities of the victim are exploited with those who are particularly vulnerable being most often selected as targets.[4][5][6] Traumatic bonding (also popularly known as Stockholm syndrome) can occur between the abuser and victim as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change and a climate of fear.[7] An attempt may be made to normaliselegitimiserationalisedeny, or minimise the abusive behaviour, or blame the victim for it.[8][9][10]

Isolationgaslightingmind gameslyingdisinformationpropagandadestabilisationbrainwashing, and divide and rule are other strategies that are often used. The victim may be plied with alcohol or drugs or deprived of sleep to help disorientate them.[11][12] Based on statistical evidence, certain personality disorders correlate with abusive tendencies of individuals with those specific personality disorders when also compiled with abusive childhoods themselves. [13]

The seriousness of coercive control in modern Western societies has been increasingly realised with changes to the law in several countries so it is a definable criminal offence. In conjunction with this there have been increased attempts by the legal establishment to understand the characteristics and effects of coercive control in legal terminology. For example, on January 1, 2019, Ireland enacted the Domestic Violence Act 2018, which allowed for the practice of coercive control to be identifiable based upon its effects on the victim. And on this basis defining it as: ‘any evidence of deterioration in the physical, psychological, or emotional welfare of the applicant or a dependent person which is caused directly by fear of the behaviour of the respondent’.[14] On a similar basis of attempting to understand and stop the widespread practice of coercive control, in 2019, the UK government made teaching about what coercive control was a mandatory part of the education syllabus on relationships.[15] While coercive control is often considered in the context of an existing intimate relationship, when it is used to elicit a sexual encounter it is legally considered as being a constituent part of sexual abuse or rape. When it is used to begin and maintain a longer term intimate relationship it is considered to be a constituent element of sexual slavery.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abusive_power_and_control

Gaslighters Tactics: Double-Bind, Lisa Nadig

Grandville, MA“If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating…”
from “If” by Rudyard Kipling

This is part one in a series exploring the various tactics Gaslighters use to silence, control, isolate, marginalize, and psychologically torture their victims.  This article will explore the double bind – the no-win situation engineered by the Gaslighter.  One psychoanalyst, Lenoard Shengold, described this process as “soul murder”.

Gaslight_1944_trailer(3)Gaslighting, at it’s very core, is an attempt to “drive someone crazy”, and to orchestrate this belief in the victim’s support system, to isolate them.  It’s a calculated, preemptive strategy to discredit the victim, so that the Gaslighter can abuse with impunity, while even recruiting proxies to join in.  Thus, the abuser escapes accountability, the victim is alone, making it impossible to fight back, while a group of proxy abusers is formed, frequently even from the victim’s own family, who will carry on the abuse, group or family mobbing and social bullying, even in their absence.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes including low self-esteem. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s beliefs. Instances can range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents occurred, to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.”

Gaslight“The term originates in the systematic psychological manipulation of a victim by her husband in Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 stage play Gas Light,[4] and the film adaptations released in 1940 and 1944.[5] In the story, the husband attempts to convince his wife and others that she is insane by manipulating small elements of their environment and insisting that she is mistaken, remembering things incorrectly, or delusional when she points out these changes.   Gaslighting-Wikipedia

One of the most insidious, underhanded tactics Gaslighters use, is to manufacture situations where the victim cannot confront the inherent dilemma, and therefore can neither opt out, or resolve the situation.  So, the double-bind is two conflicting demands, neither of which can be ignored or escaped.  The victim is torn both ways, and no matter which way they turn, or how hard they try, they can never win.  The Gaslighter knows the game is rigged, but the victim doesn’t find out until they have exhausted every possible attempt to satisfy the demands of the Gaslighter.

double-bindA few of my own personal examples are as follows:  The Gaslighter regularly complained that he needed me to “make more money”.  Unknown to me, he went behind my back to my family making those same false allegations, while turning on his magnificent “charm”.  It’s important to note that not only was there a heavy guilt trip, demanding that I “do more”, facts were conveniently missing from these statements and demands – the money I was earning already, along with the substantial savings by having no child care expense.

I was already well-trained by the Gaslighter to believe anything that went wrong  must be my fault, and could be fixed if I’d only try harder.  So, I got more employment, but it would require the Gaslighter to help by putting our child on the school bus two mornings per week.  He readily agreed, and so I began the job.  However, after a few weeks, the Gaslighter made vague excuses and suddenly wasn’t available, even though his job allowed him to do it.

This happened repeatedly.  The Gaslighter loudly complaining about a fictitious lack of money for all to hear.  Then I would start a job, only to have him duck out on his responsibilities after a few weeks.  It became a repeating cycle, with the Gaslighter sabotaging my employment every single time.  Yet, he continued blaming me for not earning enough, and complaining about my so-called “unwillingness to work” behind my back to my family, while of course, never admitting that he was purposely sabotaging it.

Another double-bind the Gaslighter manufactured was “losing the house”.  The family home went into foreclosure during the separation, when the Gaslighter stopped paying the mortgage.  However, the mortgage was only in his name, and I had no legal rights to even talk to the bank, much less pay the mortgage.

But yet, I was the only one attending all of the foreclosure court dates downtown at the Chicago Daley Center – alone.  After considerable effort, with the help of a foreclosure community action group, I somehow even managed to work my way up to the very top of management at Bank of America, obtaining an unheard of meeting with the VP of State Government Relations.  This bank executive put me into a cab with her where we went to meet with the underwriter.  A deal was offered that would have allowed us to keep the family home for our child.  They agreed to refinance the loan, and allow me to assume the mortgage after a month’s time.

All the Gaslighter had to do was provide documents directly to the bank to process the refinance, since the mortgage was only in his name.  Then, after refinancing, they would let me assume the loan.  So not only could the family home be saved for our child, the Gaslighter would no longer have a foreclosure on his record.   This was beneficial to him as well.

The VP of Government Relations sent an email to the Gaslighter, outlining the bank’s offer, as well as assurance his information would be confidential, and I would not have access to it.  However, the Gaslighter refused to provide the documents.  He wasn’t asked for any money-only documents.

This double-bind was set up so that he could blame the loss of our house on ME, while omitting the fact that he made it happen.

With this strategy, he was able to falsely portray me as a lazy person who couldn’t be trusted with money, to my family.  These are a few of the tactics that enabled him to influence my elderly, ill father to give him tens of thousands of dollars for family court lawyers, and to sign over my share of our four generation family farm trust to him.  It also enabled him to get money out of my very elderly grandmother.

birdescapecageIt can be a very arduous, painful process, but, the victim can slowly heal from the deep traumas created by the Gaslighter.   In time, with hard work, much perseverance, and a strong support system, the victim can re-claim their own voice.  It may be difficult to see, but there is life out there beyond Gaslighting, abuse, trauma, and social bullying.

ScapegoatNaive, easily-deceived people may be forever lost to us.  And, there are those who will never be able to let go of the Gaslighter’s smear campaign because it serves their psychological need for a scapegoat.  There are also those simply too proud to admit they were duped.  While they may be lost forever, the world keeps turning, life goes on without them, and I wish them well.  But, one by one, many have also quietly come to offer heart-felt apologies for listening to the lies, and participating in the family mobbing, as they have finally taken the time to remember who I am, and investigate all of the facts.

Sadly, the Gaslighter will always be who they are, forever trapped in their sick, compulsive need to control others, and use them to soothe their fragile egos.  But the victim can heal, and there is much joy out there in the real world, free from days spent being traumatized, isolated and exploited by a Gaslighter.

It is important to note, that if you have been fooled or manipulated by a Gaslighter, you are a victim too.  Gaslighters are very highly skilled manipulators, and most people have difficulty seeing through their considerable charm, elaborate layers of lies, subtle manipulations and distortions of the truth, and their seemingly uncanny ability to zero in on each victim’s particular emotional  weak point, to manipulate them for the desired effect.  Most people don’t operate in this purposely deceitful manner, and so they naturally don’t expect others to do so, particular when it is someone you love, trust and admire, or sadly, even rely upon.  Don’t be too hard on yourself, if you too were deceived about the victim.  Victims come to realize that those who were manipulated against them are not really to blame – the real blame lies with the Gaslighter!

Please visit the Resources page for further information on Gaslighting:  Resources

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