Tag Archives: domestic violence

Family Bully Aids Corruption To Hide “Secrets”

“In biblical lore, Aaron selected a goat on behalf of the entire tribe, cast upon it the sins of all members, and then banished it alone to the wild. The members of the tribe were then at great ease, having been freed from their cast-off sins—whatever those sins may have been.” The Blameless Burden: Scapegoating in Dysfunctional Families

StripperFeedtA manipulative family bully with so-called secrets to try to hide aided the family court corruption, to provide a much needed distraction for open secrets that were blowing up in her face.  Forcing her family to shun me accomplished her goal:  create a diversion.  Glomming onto my documented abuser’s smear campaign became the perfect distraction.

Slandering, and shunning someone is designed to tarnish their name, and cause emotional pain – to silence them.  And if they heap enough group hatred onto the scapegoat, maybe – just maybe – they can numb their own shame and regret.

But never being allowed to confront your accusers is how the game is rigged.  Could you imagine if they allowed the scapegoat back into their midst, to inform everyone of the facts conveniently missing from their stories?  After they refused my invitation to join me in mediation,  as well as numerous other attempts to communicate over the years, I finally faced the stark reality that they NEED a scapegoat.

Beginning when the first child was just a baby, we were forced to hear our parent’s despair about him coming to their care with bruises.  It was torture to watch, as the family bully’s children were neglected and abused, a never-ending nightmare.  I took care of the family bully’s children for years, while she lived her secret life, and her spouse was too beside himself from her actions, to care for them himself.  Everyone in the family had to take care of these children due to her intense preoccupation with her secret activities.  Finally, in desperation, the eldest begged me to teach him how to cook so they wouldn’t keep going hungry in their home.

But my parents lived in fear of her threats to “take the children out of state” if they challenged her, walking on eggshells for years, talking about calling DCFS,  then trying to get the other set of parents to call for them, fearing her threats.  Everybody was looking for a “fall guy” to take her wrath.

When this was dropped at my door, I did what they discussed for years.  I called DCFS.  And so, I became the bully’s target, with my parents too afraid to admit that calling DCFS was their idea in the first place.  Also omitted from the family narrative, is the school social worker’s statement I was justified in calling DCFS, and the teacher’s aide who said they stood and cheered.

This family bully’s spouse reported chilling accounts of violence that caused me nightmares for weeks.  He related how she bashed his front teeth in and he needed them replaced, along with other accounts of ongoing violence whenever he dared challenge her “secret” life.  Finally, everything made sense:  his black eyes over the years, while he lowered his gaze in shame with flimsy excuses about  “running into the barn door“, the bruises I saw on the younger girls, my parent’s reports of bruises on the children, and eye-witness accounts of physical abuse in front of their homes.

But when it came down to doing anything to protect them, both of my sets of parents talked about it endlessly, but finally putting their heads in the sand, thinking it would be better to have the children abused nearby, than face her wrath, and possibly even have the children taken out of state.

What do narcissists do to truth tellers? Dr. Ramani

“Bullies within the family, especially female bullies, are masters (mistresses?) of manipulation and are fond of manipulating people through their emotions (eg guilt) and through their beliefs, attitudes and perceptions. Bullies see any form of vulnerability as an opportunity for manipulation.

ScapegoatA favourite tactic of the bully in the family is to set people against each other. The benefits to the bully are that:  a) the bully gains a great deal of gratification (a perverse form of satisfaction) from encouraging and provoking argument, quarreling and hostility, and then from watching others engage in adversarial interaction and destructive conflict, and b) the ensuing conflict ensures that people’s attention is distracted and diverted away from the cause of the conflict.”

“The family bully encourages and manipulates family members etc to lie, act dishonestly, withhold information, spread misinformation, and to punish the target.”  A Favorite Tactic Of The Bullies In Our Family-Set People Against Each Other

It is a serious crime to try to induce someone to suicide.  Recently, Michelle Carter, who encouraged her boyfriend to kill himself, was denied parole in her 2017 Involuntary Manslaughter conviction.  Michelle Carter, Who Encouraged Her Boyfriend To Kill Himself, Denied Parole

nooseAnd yet, my family even viewed vicious emails trying to coerce me into hanging myself, but inexplicably – bizarrely –they didn’t care.  “Sadly, cancer just isn’t inhumane enough and it isn’t gonna work.  One old standby that practically everyone is familiar with is hanging..it should be easy for you to figure this whole suicide thing out.”  Lawyers & Judges Retire To Make Misconduct Investigations Disappear

Cyberstalking & Witness Tampering

This family bully sent my 78 year old Mother a disturbing Mother’s Day package, ALLUDING TO MY MOTHER’S DEATH AND FUNERAL!  All because she stuck up for me.  What kind of a person terrorizes a woman who is nearly 80 years old?  On Mother’s Day?  Elder Abuse-National Institute on Aging

But the family bullies can’t seem to help themselves, and continue to violate numerous laws in a desperate attempt to silence people. Not only is this Elder Abuse, and Harassment, it is also a serious federal crime to use the U.S. Postal Service to harass or threaten a person.  Federal statute on using the US mail to send harassing/threatening communications:  18 U.S. Code 876 – Mailing Threatening Communications

10443310_10203725569812063_5551729871529548041_nWater always finds it’s own level; the two abusers who married into the family joined forces to destroy the whistle blower.  The family bully’s chance for revenge for blowing the whistle on child abuse came, when my documented abuser continued his abuse through the corrupt Chicago divorce court, assisting him in stealing my only child, along with my birthright – my share of our four generation family farm trust. Child Rep Natalie Koga Confronted With Eye-Witness To Her Corruption

Radio Interview W/ Michael Volpe

Michael Volpe’s Analysis of My Case

A Summary of My Case: Corruption, Legal/Financial Abuse, Maternal Deprivation, Elder Abuse, Cyber-stalking/Threats

FlowerinSunI had a choice: go silently to perish alone in the wilderness like scapegoats are expected to do, or stand in the sunlight and tell the truth. “Publicity is justly commended as a remedy for social and industrial diseases. Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants; electric light the most efficient policeman.” From: Other People’s Money, Louis D. Brandeis, Supreme Court Justice

The entire family watches on in dismay as the scapegoat informs the family that they will no longer be abused by them, and wants nothing more to do with them… Life becomes difficult for the narcissistic family when the trash can leaves. However, it becomes harder to blame the scapegoat when the endless drama between the family members continues – even when the scapegoat is nowhere to be found.  The Scapegoat Walks Away’

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Coercive Control During the Pandemic

crazyangry“This is an extremely vulnerable time for survivors, and abusers are using it as an excuse to find new ways to exert control. Some of those tactics include feigning illness, not allowing family members to interact or go outside the home at all, withdrawing all money out of bank accounts, contacting the survivor’s work and falsely stating they were exposed to the virus, etc. While some of these tactics may be new and based on the public health crisis, the dynamics of power and control remain the same.

elephantAcross the country and world, there has been a serious uptick in domestic violence related crimes. Direct service agencies are seeing an influx of new cases and in some jurisdictions, law enforcement are responding to more calls. This means that survivors need support, resources, services, and shelter more than ever. Fortunately, shelters and other resources remain open during this time as essential businesses.”  Coercive Control During the Pandemic: How Abusers Are Using New Tactics to Exert Power and Control

“Perpetrators may attempt to deal with extra stress and anxiety by imposing stricter and more unrealistic regimes on their families’ activities and behaviours. It’s a moment when the net of coercive control can be tightened. In fact, “social distancing” and “isolation” are core tactics of a coercively controlling partner.”  Corona lockdown is a dangerous time for survivors

FreeBirg“For the first time (In the UK), numerous psychological and coercive behaviours became unlawful. For example, isolating a person from friends and family, monitoring their time, destroying their possessions, monitoring via online communication tools or using spyware, taking control over where people can go and who they can see, and accessing personal communication (phone and email accounts). All typically justified by perpetrators as “caring”, “because I worry about you,” or argued as acceptable because “you don’t answer my calls” and “I never know where you are or who you are with, so what do you expect.”

Lockdown is perhaps the worst situation imaginable for victims but a “gift” to abusers. Not surprisingly lockdown has resulted in a catastrophic increase in domestic abuse in the UK, which includes psychological coercion and control. Jealous and possessive partners are more easily able to leverage maximum control, using the “exercise once a day with family” rule and threatening to report absences in contravention of the lockdown rules to the authorities. Unpredictable behaviour that leaves victims feeling like they are walking on eggshells is now inescapable and victims cannot easily phone for advice or assistance, or access online advice because abusers are less likely to be going to work and may never leave the house alone.”  Why Covid-19 Lockdown Is So Dangerous To People In Abusive Relationships

Resources

What Is Coercive Control?

Self-Care Strategies To Help Manage Trauma According To Experts

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Forest Bathing for Recovery From Trauma & The Litigation Therapy Racket

JulieAndrewsSoundofMusicIn the opening scene of The Sound of Music, Maria sings “I go to the hills when my heart is lonely,  I know I will hear what I’ve heard before…”  The Sound of Music, Opening Scene  People have long known that being in nature is good medicine.  They didn’t need scientists or researchers to tell them that time spent outdoors, especially among trees, has countless health benefits.

Now science has caught up with this ancient wisdom.

Forest Bathing For Trauma Recovery  “Reconnecting to nature can be a powerful activity as part of trauma recovery and healing centered engagementPlaying in the dirt and walking barefoot heals us in infinite ways. Forests and natural landscapes expose us to healthy bacteria, sunshine, and phytoncides (chemicals released by trees that are known for their ability to improve our immune responses).  Forests decrease stress hormones and rumination and regulate our heart rate and blood pressure.”

Grandville, MAForest BathingForest bathing is based on an ancient Japanese cultural respect and reverence for the natural world and the interactions with the landscape that occur as a result. Shinrin-yoku (lit. “Immersion in the Forest Air”) is an experience that lets people be mindfully present with the surrounding forest. The sights, sounds and smells of the environment support and comfort each person as they literally “bathe” in the forest air.”

And for those of us who are survivors of Therapist Abuse by court shrinks paid for by the highest bidder, we know too well the trauma when these so-called “professionals” – the lawyers, court doctors, court therapists and hired gun evaluators –  trap and re-traumatize us in their lucrative litigation therapy racket.  Forcing a trauma victim to sit in their office re-living traumatic memories while they bill by the hour, scribbling their notes, writing false reports for corrupt Child Reps, Guardian Ad Litems, and guns for hire custody evaluators.  Because you are court-ordered to do it.  How convenient for them.

The survivors of the Rwandan genocide who famously kicked out the Western mental health practitioners further illustrates the damage talk therapy can do to trauma survivors.  “As the Rwandan, paraphrased by Solomon, puts it: “Their practice did not involve being outside in the sun where you begin to feel better. There was no music or drumming to get your blood flowing again. There was no sense that everyone had taken the day off so that the entire community could come together to try to lift you up and bring you back to joy. Instead they would take people one at a time into these dingy little rooms and have them sit around for an hour or so and talk about bad things that had happened to them. We had to ask them to leave.”  Exporting trauma: can the talking cure do more harm than good?

fake-oath-made-dishonest-woman-lawyer-witness-behind-her-back-isolated-white-background-60101825I’ll never forget the corrupt Child Representative Natalie Koga’s Machiavellian sneer, and her arrogant, fake, sing-songy, patronizing voice:  “Lisa, you just need to try har-der in ther-a-peeee”.  Have you completed your “treeeat-meeent”?  While she lied and abused me in court.  Met secretly with my ex.  Harmed my child. Exploited my family.  Natalie Koga Confronted With Eye-Witness To Her Corruption

quicksand1Dr. Daniel Fisher, who wrote Natalie Koga’s made to order false reports, repeated his mantra, in his saccharin-sweet, pretending to care “therapist” voice:  “How’s your “therapy” going?”  Probing for anything to pounce on, all the while, working for the other side. Dr. Daniel Fisher’s Misconduct, With Michael Volpe

Twilightzone1959And who could ever forget Dr. Fisher’s disturbing, cringe-worthy performance for a packed courtroom during one of his several days of false testimony!

Bizarrely, finishing his star turn on the witness stand, taking center stage while raising his chest into a stiff military posture,  he faced my ex-husband directly.  Then, with a grand flourish, GAVE HIM A FULL MILITARY SALUTE RIGHT IN THE FRONT OF THE COURTROOM! 

He remained “at attention” for a full two seconds, then suddenly remembering himself, flustered, looking down, eyes darting about.  My ex-husband beamed with delight as Dr. Fisher tottered off  the “stage”.  Natalie Koga rewarded him by giving him even more inappropriate power and control over our lives.

As a treating therapist, it was against the law for Dr. Fisher to take on multiple roles.  But he used this as spring-board, becoming an unofficial parenting coordinator, custody evaluator, and suddenly in charge of all of the parties court ordered “therapy”.  Dr. Fisher already had a prior license sanction for the same misconduct in another case. Fisher_Redacted

Then there’s my ex’s hired gun custody evaluator Dr. Mark Goldstein.  My attorney had already caught Natalie Koga, Child Rep, and opposing counsel Meg Jackson conspiring to have him write a false report about me.  I felt like a lamb led to slaughter, while he crossed professional boundaries, plying me with inappropriate, sick questions.

tumblr_mu9qdnUdpk1rw872io4_500When I objected, he noted that I had an “anger problem”.  But his psychological testing showed the opposite, which of course he omitted from the custody evaluation, like the good little hired gun that he was.  When I showed the natural indignation of any normal, decent person to his disgusting questions, he wrote that I was “emotionally labile“.

And Judge Alfred Levinson’s perpetually red face from sipping out of his mystery container all day long, bellowing:  “Have you completed your therapy?” –  trying to make me look crazy – because the lawyers sitting up front waiting for their cases to be called saw his courtroom was a three ring circus. And the evidence I brought. Then Natalie Koga would lie some more – ignoring my therapy report as an excuse to label me uncooperative, and continue to completely bar any communication whatsoever between my son and I.

You see, just like Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, they aren’t in it to help people connect with their inner strength or heal from the trauma of abuse.  They aren’t there to cheer you on to re-build your life.

As hired gun crazy-makers, these “therapists” don’t encourage you to speak your own truth with confidence.   An empowered victim is the LAST thing they want.

WalkingBeachThey don’t advise you to walk on the beach, find the peace of the woods, garden, go barefoot savoring the cool grass between your toes, laugh, make art, go to concerts, further your education – or just take a break from endless talking about it – or anything else that challenges their power and control over their cash cows.

They WANT you continually stressed and traumatized.  They have no interest in your wellness.  They are not encouragers.

That would be counter-productive to the racket.

maxresdefaultThey are the bottom feeders of their professions who need you trapped, or they won’t have a job. 

Their JOB is to Gaslight the victim.  To put them off balance – to mess with their heads.  To re-traumatize them. 

To manufacture a “crazy label” for the victim in their Kids for Cash scam.  Hiding abuse, and keeping it going is big business.  And if they could, they would keep their cash cows trapped in their litigation therapy racket forever. 

After this pack of vicious predators got through with me, I understood how so many have been bullied to death in family court.  I went from being an award-winning professional opera singer singing in Carnegie Hall,  performing comfortably for two to three thousand people, to not even able to speak.  My brain knew what I wanted to say,  but I couldn’t make the words come out of my mouth.

10367137_811465682198562_816864177374600240_nI developed “Broken Heart Syndrome” with such severe chest pain,  I struggled with my teaching job.  I went from the woman doing it all, all the time – raising her child mostly alone, running a teaching studio, singing, and maintaining a large wooded property – to bed-ridden, after these vicious people finished running me through their Kids for Cash machine.

JoDaviessCountryI knew that in order to survive, I had to go back to the country.  I fell asleep listening to the music of crickets singing.  Walked my dog in the rolling, wooded hills with the sun on my face.

I basked in the warm embraces of those who knew me best – the people who I grew up with – my family, friends and community.  This was emergency care to a soul shattered by my ex and his gang’s constant drumming of the vicious lie that I was an outcast, so why not take everything away from me anyway.

I couldn’t hold a job anymore due to the trauma of the legal abuse.  They succeeded in their goal of completely destroying me.  So I worked when I could, sometimes only an hour per day, clearing weeds 6 feet high, started a garden, and slowly resurrected a friend’s old house that had been vacant for 10 years.  I thought by saving my friend’s old family home, I just might save myself in the process.

And I slowly regained my ability to speak.  It took two years.  I set about the arduous task of rebuilding a life that my ex-husband and his gang of ruthless financial predators did everything in their power to destroy.

Plant-in-Sunlight-864x577So, go to the woods.  Let the vast, majestic strength and beauty of a forest place it’s loving arms around you.  And dance out in the sun!  Kick your shoes off.  Plunge your hands into beautiful, dark earth, get it under your fingernails, and plant a garden. Sing around the campfire, enjoy a few beers, roast some hot dogs, and howl at the moon!  

If you live in a city, and have to drive to nature, do it.  Just Do it-You’ll be glad you did!  Even large cities have nature reserves, walking trails, botanical gardens, and parks for their citizen’s tired, frayed nerves!

The great naturalist, John Muir, “father of our national parks” said:

forest-bathing-2-e1556293782134“The mountains are calling and I must go.
The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
Between every two pines is a doorway to a new world.
Keep close to Nature’s heart… and break clear away, once in awhile, and climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods. Wash your spirit clean.”

 

Open Letter to Vengeful Fathers Depriving Children of their Mothers

To the fathers out there depriving your children of their own Mothers – SHAME ON YOU!  You have the audacity and hearts black enough to harm your own children – just to hurt their Mothers for daring to say “No” to you.  Poor things, she left you.  So what.  Grow up!

There is nothing unique or original about your tactics and behaviors, as reported to me by countless women, and children, over the course of many years – from Chicago, Michigan, Minnesota, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Arizona, California, Iowa, Nebraska, Indiana, Wyoming, Texas, Wisconsin, Florida, Georgia, Canada, France, The UK, The Netherlands, Australia, Germany, and the list goes on.

Their reports are substantiated by the mental health research.  You are all quite predictable.

WeepingChildYou beat your chests while your children cry themselves to sleep at night.  You brag about “winning” for all to hear, while your children pretend to like you and what you’ve done – “or else”.  Yet you continue deluding yourself that you’re special.

You Gaslight, lie, and slander your child’s mother to anyone who will listen to you.  Your favorite – that she’s “crazy” – maybe she was just a little bit, for putting up with you as long as she did. 

And every time your kids hear you slander her, they’re forced to back you up, and they die a little bit more inside.  You’re not fathers.  You’re thugs.

If your own Mothers (and Fathers) knew who and what you really are, underneath your manufactured facade, how ashamed they would be.  And heart broken.

heartYour carefully crafted persona of the charming, kind, polite, generous man is nothing but a hollow sham.  In private, your masks slip, revealing your true cruel, sadistic self.  The pleasure you take in hurting others weaker than you shows on your face, reflecting the true evil of your hearts.   Your charm is a well-rehearsed act to get what you want.  You are nothing but frauds.  

There is nothing special, or note-worthy about you, other than the fact you were willing to bully someone smaller than you – your own child – to punish someone else.  All because you couldn’t bully your child’s mother directly anymore. 

You can’t feel like men unless you have someone weaker than you to bully.  How pathetic.  Any dim-witted dolt can bully women and children.

twilight-zone-its-a-good-lifeAnd you are willing to lie about anything – there is no limit to your depravity.

The set of lies you tell are universally reported, especially that she’s crazy, and cheated on you.

I’ve yet to hear from a single survivor whose abusive ex did NOT say she’s crazy.

You play the heart-broken victim, claiming she cheated on you.  But we’ve all noticed that you accuse others of the very things you are guilty of to try to throw them off your scent.

Many of you tell the children she wanted to abort them, didn’t want them.  What kind of sadteddybeara person does that to a child?

You all lie about your child’s mother’s parenting.  For years, you sat back doing the bare minimum.  But suddenly in divorce, you reinvent history.

Your lies fly out of your mouth so effortlessly, clearly you’ve been doing it all your life, and it comes naturally to you.  Next to bullying, lying is your greatest skill, and accomplishment in life.

MotherlessBoyMany of you also encourage your children to abuse their mothers.  You take sick pleasure in teaching them to do your dirty work in your place.  You think nothing of corrupting your children’s morality, while raising the next generation of abusers.  And victims.

And most of you impersonate  your children electronically,  to psychologically torture their mothers.  There must be a play-book somewhere.

You waste your talents.  When you could use them for the good of society, you squander them instead, on your plotting,  maneuvering, and manipulating.  Your favorite people are those with hearts like yours, or simple, naive people you can easily manipulate.  And use.  Or just pay off.  You are drains on society.

WeepingGirlAnd that your insides are so hollow you can’t feel good about yourself without hating anyone who dares contradict you. That your ego is so fragile, your identity so flacid, so soft, that when she said “No”, you threw your child’s Mother under the bus, backing up several times, you know, just to be sure.

And that you aren’t honorable men.  You’re posers.

And that your children don’t really love or respect you.  They only fear you and pity you.

MotherChildNeuroBondYou couldn’t be bothered with parenting before the divorce.  But suddenly you have to have the kids!  You can’t even pick on somebody your own size – using a mere child to harm the very woman who gave them life, and birthed them in a bed of pain.  The one who ran herself ragged doing all that solo parenting because you were just too important for such drudge work.  It is fascinating, the yarns you all spin about your non existent parenting work.  You care nothing about the grave harm to your own children. 

Real fathers, who truly love their kids, don’t use them as props come divorce time.

fake-oath-made-dishonest-woman-lawyer-witness-behind-her-back-isolated-white-background-60101825

It doesn’t take any special talent to charge into a bottom feeder lawyer’s office, plunk down some cash, and rehearse your lies together.  You are nothing but cowardly bullies.  Child abusers.  Frauds.  Fakes. 

You are failures as men and human beings.  You are a level of evil no decent human being could ever understand.

Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child, Sung by the Great Mahalia Jackson

Let My People Go, Sung by Gospel Feel, feat. Samantha Lavitan

Happy Vengeful Father Syndrome Day! “To all the special childless Mothers out there-you matter!!!  Happy Mother’s Day!

Mothers and Children Forever Joined At The Cellular Level vs. Tactics To Defy Nature, by Lisa Nadig  “Within weeks of conception, cells from both mother and fetus traffic back and forth across the placenta, resulting in one becoming a part of the other.”

What’s a Mother Worth? by Lisa Nadig “In 1979, a young attorney named Michael H. Minton successfully argued that a housewife was worth more than $40,000 a year. The public snorted and the press made fun, but the ramifications proved enormous. When the dust finally settled, the 33-year-old Chicago lawyer had catapulted matrimonial law into an entirely new arena.”  But here we are 40 years later, and how far have we really come?”DV by Proxy

Happy Vengeful Father Syndrome Day!

FlowerBouquetHappy Mother’s Day to all the Moms out there screwed over by our woman-hating, abuser-loving, greedy, corrupt family courts.  Mothers are amazing! It takes a really remarkable woman to survive it all.  You are loved!♥♥♥You are appreciated!♥♥♥You matter!!!♥♥♥

Mother’s are givers of life, they are kind, they are strong, they nurture.  They teach us what the words family, love, honor, and sacrifice mean. They laugh, they cry just like you and I.  They create home. They guide, they mentor.  They are nutritionists, and meal planners. They nurse, they heal, they sit with you. They are advocates, brow wipers, huggers, hand-holders, and protectors.  They have style, they have grace. They create the human race.

They work hard, they put in long hours, they are industrious.  They sew, they mend and tend.  They garden, they shop.  They are home economizers, bill payers, cooks, and chauffeurs.  They are interior decorators,  activity coordinators, and innovators.  They tend to the animals, and all creatures under their roof.  They are witty, bright, and generous of purse, time, talents, and skills.

FB_IMG_1567190447684They forgive generously, repeatedly.  They are resourceful researchers, and education interfacers.  They are capable, and fun-loving.  They are birthday cake bakers and party makers. They plan, they coordinate, they budget, they tidy it all up. They are creative, they scurry, improvising on the spot.

Moms sparkle, they beautify!   They are teachers, they are psychologists, and mediators.  They discipline, they worry, they love unconditionally.  They support, they cheer you on no matter what.  They are determined.  They have grit, they are tough.

They are loyal, they are fierce.  They are temperature takers, medicine givers, appointment makers, and frequently sleep deprived.  They are devoted, they are steadfast.

They are career sacrificers.  They are the make do with what you havers – the thrift shop dress buyers, moving sale furniture shoppers, coupon clippers, and do-withouters.  They are the the vacations,  insurance and 401k go-withouters.

Handful of starsMothers create the beauty and magic of holidays!  They are keepers of traditions.  They are gift buyers and wrappers.  They clean, decorate and prepare.  They hostess, entertain, then they pack it all up again.  They are memory makers, and photo takers.  They remember anniversaries, birthdays, and special occasions.  They are the card and gift senders.

They make you smile, they go ten extra miles!  They are loving, they are knowing and wise.  They are special, they are quirky, they are human. They are serious, they are funny, they don’t work for mere money.

1375635_10202963215273676_1558938398_nMothers are forever connected to their children at the most basic, fundamental,  core physical, cellular, mitochondrial, neurological, spiritual and emotional levels. They are all of this and so much more…they are your only, irreplaceable Mother!

♥♥♥So, to all the special, childless Moms out there – in case nobody’s told you lately – You are an amazing, terrific, remarkable, lovely, intelligent, strong, talented, resilient, breathtakingly beautiful woman!  All your work matters!  YOU MATTER!!!

♥♥♥HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!♥♥♥

 

The Verbal Vomit of the Psychological Abuser: Projection and Blame-shifting

Have you ever noticed that the psychologically abusive person invariably accuses you of what they’re really doing?  Once I understood this, I never bothered to entertain these pathetic, over the top, manipulative mind games again.

Their nonsensical word-salad, hysterical shrieking & carrying-on, their woe-is-me guilt trips, sneaky, sleight of hand distractions, lies of omission, half-truths & distortions, “because I said so” circular logic, their exaggerated over-acting, wild gesticulations, stomping about, and verbal diarrhea will show itself as the ridiculous and pathetic over-acting job that it really is; a desperate attempt to conceal who and what they really are, underneath their carefully crafted, charming charade.  And you will know everything that they themselves are really up to, behind all of their ridiculous blustering, and blundering about.  The following article does a wonderful analysis of these sad tactics.

“Like a volcano burbling and and ready to spew hot magma, hissing and blowing steam, prepared to erupt at any given moment, narcissistic abusers have great difficulty when their false self mask slips. Underneath the mask lies a psychic void in which the narcissist seeks to extract ego fuel, or narcissistic supply, from his/her relationships and interactions (Schneider, 2017). When a narcissistic abuser feels exposed due to a short-coming of their own, this person will feel as if a narcissistic injury has been imposed upon them by their targeted object (person supplying ego fuel).  It’s hard to fathom that setting a healthy boundary with a narcissist is interpreted by the abuser as an egregious, blasphemous and slanderous statement they take very personally. A healthy individual would receive a constructive comment as an opportunity to learn, grow, make amends, compromise, and evolve with their loved one. A narcissistic person is threatened by any input which renders them any thing less than exceptionally unique and special.”

Complete Article: The Verbal Vomit of the Psychological Abuser: Projection and Blame-shifting

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Self-Care Strategies To Help Manage Trauma According To Experts

Self-care helps protect our physical and mental health when we’re under stress, and taking care of ourselves as best we can is non-negotiable in the aftermath of trauma. And remember that there’s nothing selfish about self-care, especially when you’re feeling the strain of managing trauma and traumatic stress. To place a bit of loving focus on yourself, and avail yourself of support and resources that can aid in recovery and build resilience, means that you have more to contribute to those you care about in the long run.

7 Self-Care Strategies To Help Managed Trauma According To Expertsa

Domestic Violence by Proxy from One Mom’s Battle

“When a Cluster B personality disordered individual enters the family court system they wage war upon the healthy parent. They may have been absent parents never attending school, medical or dental appointments but suddenly they attend everything, preening as the doting father or mother and may push for custody. Custody is seen as a prize. The goal is to hurt the healthy primary parent and save money via child support calculations. As part of that push they groom children to see their healthy parent as untrustworthy and self-centered (projection), with divorce or separation their fault while portraying the Cluster B parent as wounded and needing the children to shower him or her with love and affection. Children often respond to this gaslighting by siding with the abusive parent.

Once the abuser has control of the children they are able to continue stalking, harassing and abusing the former partner even when the abuser has no direct access. DV can manifest in ways such as threats to the children if they display a close relationship with the former partner, destroying the children’s favorite possessions given by the former partner and emotional abuse. Children are often coached to make false allegations about the parent.

DV by proxy is very deliberate and planned. The abusers know what they are doing and chose their controlling, coercive, and illegal behaviors. The behaviors are usually surrounded by threats and fears and often include “battery, destruction of property, locking children in rooms to prevent them from calling parents, falsifying documents, along with other similar overt behaviors.” As the leadership council suggests, “Calling this behavior “parental alienation” is not strong enough to convey the criminal pattern of terroristic behaviors employed by batterers.”

The main goal of the abuser is s/he will end up with complete control over the children and will use this power over his former partner, “who tried to escape the power and control of the once abusive marriage.” They do not care if the children are harmed as long as their former partner is hurt and they feel they have won.”

COMPLETE ARTICLE:  Domestic Violence by Proxy

Survivor’s Bill of Rights

After many years of walking on eggshells while living under the restrictions, isolation, chaos, distractions, intrusions, negativity, distortions, untruths, half-truths, and manipulations of controlling or oppressive situations, we can become conditioned to remain in survival mode, and to think mainly of the wants and needs of others, even to feel guilty or uncomfortable if we think of our own.  We become disconnected from who we really are: our own instincts, perceptions, ideas, needs, goals, aspirations, and interests.

While we are in this process, it helps to be reminded of our basic rights.  It may feel unnatural or “off” for awhile to put ourselves first. But, over time, connecting with our true selves becomes more comfortable, and natural.  Practice makes perfect.   Recovery is possible.  Starting off with small steps every day,  bigger steps become easier.  More avenues and resources appear before us.  A new life, free from the control of others is waiting, and it’s worth it! This article I found on Survivor’s Bill of Rights can be very helpful.

Survivor’s Bill of Rights

havoca bill of rightsAs a Matter of Personal AUTHORITY, You Have the Right ..

* to manage your life according to your own values and judgment.
* to direct your recovery, answerable to no one for your goals, effort, or progress.
* to gather information to make intelligent decisions about your recovery.
* to seek help from a variety of sources, unhindered by demands for exclusivity.

FULL ARTICLE:  Survivor’s Bill of Rights

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Learned Helplessness

Learned Helplessness is a common challenge for survivors of trauma, controlling or toxic relationships, abuse, and exploitation.  The survivor has learned through repeated experience, that in order to stay “safe”, they must not challenge the status quo.  That they have no power over their situation anyway and must flip into freeze mode.  They go numb to what is happening around them.  Pretty soon this numbness is the go-to mode.  There is no more of the natural fight or flight response.  It has become eliminated.  Only freeze remains.

People who feel powerless to change their adverse circumstances quite naturally become depressed.  But Depression only worsens the feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.  Depression colors our world grey, narrows our focus to the point we can no longer see any shades of light or possibility.  Depression and Learned Helplessness feed off of one another, and the cycle is perpetuated.

Hurtful, toxic relationships, controlling people, abusive, demeaning and traumatic situations do not empower us to be the best versions of ourselves, to think and act powerfully and authentically for ourselves.  They do the opposite.  They ensnare us into becoming dis-empowered, ineffective, cowering, hesitant, over-thinking, emotionally frozen and helpless servants of the agendas of others.

In order to heal, and become self-actualized individuals – to become our best, most effective selves, we must be able to live free of controlling, toxic, and negative situations.  Like a plant in an overcrowded garden starved of sunshine and nutrients growing spindly, crooked and malnourished, so the survivor becomes stunted by learned helplessness.  Only when the plant is freed from overcrowding can it bask in the sun and be completely nourished, and grow to full potential.  Only when people can live in peace and freedom, can they begin to have their needs met, and begin to grow, learn, and peel back the layers of helpless, ineffectual thought and behavior patterns that were learned over time.

Though it is a process, we can learn new ways of thinking.  We can learn new approaches to living, decision-making, identifying and working towards our own goals, and self-development.  When we make our own needs and self-care a priority, we can gradually un-learn helplessness.  Our brains have great plasticity, and our own confidence, courage, effectiveness and empowerment can be re-learned.

Some articles on Learned Helplessness:

Medical News Today: Learned Helplessness

Learned Helplessness and C-PTSD

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