Tag Archives: abuse

Why Abusers Ruin Holidays

It’s a recurring theme.  Countless survivors report the same scenario:  the abuser ruined every single holiday.  It happened to me.  Every holiday, no matter how much I cleaned, prepared, shopped, and cooked –  was ruined.  No holiday was ever off limits.  At a time when normal people are enjoying a break from work responsibilities, to enjoy happy times with loved ones, focusing on the joy of the day at hand, and appreciating those whose hard work made the festivities possible, while putting their best foot forward, Mr. (or Mrs.) Nasty makes it their mission to make you miserable.  It’s as if they know they have you as a captive audience, and seem to take twisted delight in ruining special occasions.

But why do they do this?  This article holds some answers:  “Narcissists and other Cluster B personality disordered individuals seem to thrive on ruining holidays.  If you are reading this blog, I’m sure you’ve been victim to this phenomenon. If you stop and think about it, you can look back over the various holidays and personal birthdays and recall yourself trying to appease the narcissistic person in your life.  You were most likely trying to make sense of the drama.  But, truth be told, you may have discovered that there is no sense to be made…The characterologically challanged individual is hellbent on destruction, particularly relationship destruction, and even more particularly than usual, during a special day…”  When the Narcissist (or other such Emotional Abuser) In Your Life Ruins The Holidays, Sharie Stines, Psy.D

10367137_811465682198562_816864177374600240_n

Family Bully Aids Corruption To Hide “Secrets”

“In biblical lore, Aaron selected a goat on behalf of the entire tribe, cast upon it the sins of all members, and then banished it alone to the wild. The members of the tribe were then at great ease, having been freed from their cast-off sins—whatever those sins may have been.” The Blameless Burden: Scapegoating in Dysfunctional Families

StripperFeedtA manipulative family bully with so-called secrets to try to hide aided the family court corruption, to provide a much needed distraction for open secrets that were blowing up in her face.  Forcing her family to shun me accomplished her goal:  create a diversion.  Glomming onto my documented abuser’s smear campaign became the perfect distraction.

Slandering, and shunning someone is designed to tarnish their name, and cause emotional pain – to silence them.  And if they heap enough group hatred onto the scapegoat, maybe – just maybe – they can numb their own shame and regret.

But never being allowed to confront your accusers is how the game is rigged.  Could you imagine if they allowed the scapegoat back into their midst, to inform everyone of the facts conveniently missing from their stories?  After they refused my invitation to join me in mediation,  as well as numerous other attempts to communicate over the years, I finally faced the stark reality that they NEED a scapegoat.

Beginning when the first child was just a baby, we were forced to hear our parent’s despair about him coming to their care with bruises.  It was torture to watch, as the family bully’s children were neglected and abused, a never-ending nightmare.  I took care of the family bully’s children for years, while she lived her secret life, and her spouse was too beside himself from her actions, to care for them himself.  Everyone in the family had to take care of these children due to her intense preoccupation with her secret activities.  Finally, in desperation, the eldest begged me to teach him how to cook so they wouldn’t keep going hungry in their home.

But my parents lived in fear of her threats to “take the children out of state” if they challenged her, walking on eggshells for years, talking about calling DCFS,  then trying to get the other set of parents to call for them, fearing her threats.  Everybody was looking for a “fall guy” to take her wrath.

When this was dropped at my door, I did what they discussed for years.  I called DCFS.  And so, I became the bully’s target, with my parents too afraid to admit that calling DCFS was their idea in the first place.  Also omitted from the family narrative, is the school social worker’s statement I was justified in calling DCFS, and the teacher’s aide who said they stood and cheered.

This family bully’s spouse reported chilling accounts of violence that caused me nightmares for weeks.  He related how she bashed his front teeth in and he needed them replaced, along with other accounts of ongoing violence whenever he dared challenge her “secret” life.  Finally, everything made sense:  his black eyes over the years, while he lowered his gaze in shame with flimsy excuses about  “running into the barn door“, the bruises I saw on the younger girls, my parent’s reports of bruises on the children, and eye-witness accounts of physical abuse in front of their homes.

But when it came down to doing anything to protect them, both of my sets of parents talked about it endlessly, but finally putting their heads in the sand, thinking it would be better to have the children abused nearby, than face her wrath, and possibly even have the children taken out of state.

What do narcissists do to truth tellers? Dr. Ramani

“Bullies within the family, especially female bullies, are masters (mistresses?) of manipulation and are fond of manipulating people through their emotions (eg guilt) and through their beliefs, attitudes and perceptions. Bullies see any form of vulnerability as an opportunity for manipulation.

ScapegoatA favourite tactic of the bully in the family is to set people against each other. The benefits to the bully are that:  a) the bully gains a great deal of gratification (a perverse form of satisfaction) from encouraging and provoking argument, quarreling and hostility, and then from watching others engage in adversarial interaction and destructive conflict, and b) the ensuing conflict ensures that people’s attention is distracted and diverted away from the cause of the conflict.”

“The family bully encourages and manipulates family members etc to lie, act dishonestly, withhold information, spread misinformation, and to punish the target.”  A Favorite Tactic Of The Bullies In Our Family-Set People Against Each Other

It is a serious crime to try to induce someone to suicide.  Recently, Michelle Carter, who encouraged her boyfriend to kill himself, was denied parole in her 2017 Involuntary Manslaughter conviction.  Michelle Carter, Who Encouraged Her Boyfriend To Kill Himself, Denied Parole

nooseAnd yet, my family even viewed vicious emails trying to coerce me into hanging myself, but inexplicably – bizarrely –they didn’t care.  “Sadly, cancer just isn’t inhumane enough and it isn’t gonna work.  One old standby that practically everyone is familiar with is hanging..it should be easy for you to figure this whole suicide thing out.”  Lawyers & Judges Retire To Make Misconduct Investigations Disappear

Cyberstalking & Witness Tampering

This family bully sent my 78 year old Mother a disturbing Mother’s Day package, ALLUDING TO MY MOTHER’S DEATH AND FUNERAL!  All because she stuck up for me.  What kind of a person terrorizes a woman who is nearly 80 years old?  On Mother’s Day?  Elder Abuse-National Institute on Aging

But the family bullies can’t seem to help themselves, and continue to violate numerous laws in a desperate attempt to silence people. Not only is this Elder Abuse, and Harassment, it is also a serious federal crime to use the U.S. Postal Service to harass or threaten a person.  Federal statute on using the US mail to send harassing/threatening communications:  18 U.S. Code 876 – Mailing Threatening Communications

10443310_10203725569812063_5551729871529548041_nWater always finds it’s own level; the two abusers who married into the family joined forces to destroy the whistle blower.  The family bully’s chance for revenge for blowing the whistle on child abuse came, when my documented abuser continued his abuse through the corrupt Chicago divorce court, assisting him in stealing my only child, along with my birthright – my share of our four generation family farm trust. Child Rep Natalie Koga Confronted With Eye-Witness To Her Corruption

Radio Interview W/ Michael Volpe

Michael Volpe’s Analysis of My Case

A Summary of My Case: Corruption, Legal/Financial Abuse, Maternal Deprivation, Elder Abuse, Cyber-stalking/Threats

FlowerinSunI had a choice: go silently to perish alone in the wilderness like scapegoats are expected to do, or stand in the sunlight and tell the truth. “Publicity is justly commended as a remedy for social and industrial diseases. Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants; electric light the most efficient policeman.” From: Other People’s Money, Louis D. Brandeis, Supreme Court Justice

The entire family watches on in dismay as the scapegoat informs the family that they will no longer be abused by them, and wants nothing more to do with them… Life becomes difficult for the narcissistic family when the trash can leaves. However, it becomes harder to blame the scapegoat when the endless drama between the family members continues – even when the scapegoat is nowhere to be found.  The Scapegoat Walks Away’

pinthetailonthescapegoat

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coercive Control During the Pandemic

crazyangry“This is an extremely vulnerable time for survivors, and abusers are using it as an excuse to find new ways to exert control. Some of those tactics include feigning illness, not allowing family members to interact or go outside the home at all, withdrawing all money out of bank accounts, contacting the survivor’s work and falsely stating they were exposed to the virus, etc. While some of these tactics may be new and based on the public health crisis, the dynamics of power and control remain the same.

elephantAcross the country and world, there has been a serious uptick in domestic violence related crimes. Direct service agencies are seeing an influx of new cases and in some jurisdictions, law enforcement are responding to more calls. This means that survivors need support, resources, services, and shelter more than ever. Fortunately, shelters and other resources remain open during this time as essential businesses.”  Coercive Control During the Pandemic: How Abusers Are Using New Tactics to Exert Power and Control

“Perpetrators may attempt to deal with extra stress and anxiety by imposing stricter and more unrealistic regimes on their families’ activities and behaviours. It’s a moment when the net of coercive control can be tightened. In fact, “social distancing” and “isolation” are core tactics of a coercively controlling partner.”  Corona lockdown is a dangerous time for survivors

FreeBirg“For the first time (In the UK), numerous psychological and coercive behaviours became unlawful. For example, isolating a person from friends and family, monitoring their time, destroying their possessions, monitoring via online communication tools or using spyware, taking control over where people can go and who they can see, and accessing personal communication (phone and email accounts). All typically justified by perpetrators as “caring”, “because I worry about you,” or argued as acceptable because “you don’t answer my calls” and “I never know where you are or who you are with, so what do you expect.”

Lockdown is perhaps the worst situation imaginable for victims but a “gift” to abusers. Not surprisingly lockdown has resulted in a catastrophic increase in domestic abuse in the UK, which includes psychological coercion and control. Jealous and possessive partners are more easily able to leverage maximum control, using the “exercise once a day with family” rule and threatening to report absences in contravention of the lockdown rules to the authorities. Unpredictable behaviour that leaves victims feeling like they are walking on eggshells is now inescapable and victims cannot easily phone for advice or assistance, or access online advice because abusers are less likely to be going to work and may never leave the house alone.”  Why Covid-19 Lockdown Is So Dangerous To People In Abusive Relationships

Resources

What Is Coercive Control?

Self-Care Strategies To Help Manage Trauma According To Experts

birdescapecage

 

 

Open Letter To Lost Children

Dear Greatly Loved, Missed and Cherished Children,

You may have come to this site looking for answers as to what has happened, how and why everything occurred the way it did.  The manipulations of the players in family court corruption, and their litigation therapy racket can be difficult to unravel.  If you are struggling to understand it, know that your comprehension skills are not at fault, because the corrupt players designed it that way.  Investigative Journalist Michael Volpe writes:  “…that’s where corruption thrives – when you can make a situation complicated.” Michael Volpe’s Analysis of My Case

Grandville, MAAt the end of the day, focusing on every minute detail of the web of corruption just takes time away from living our own lives, free from their exploitation.

We go on.  We must.  Sure, we are battle-worn, exhausted, grieving over all that was taken, perhaps traumatized, and deeply puzzled as to how people could act this way.  But the sad truth is, some people do.  It’s up to us not to let the actions of others define us.  We are NOT what THEY did to us.  We are not to blame for the misdeeds of others, and we shouldn’t ever live that way.  We should live free.  We should know our own worth.

Plant-in-Sunlight-864x577A child comes into the world in a state of innocence, and the right to this sovereignty of the self is the responsibility of adults to protect. This is our parental responsibility – to protect our children from awareness of adult problems, so they may develop age appropriately to maturity.  Your mother would have given her right arm to be allowed to protect you.  

Those who violate this right to an emerging consciousness are engaging in an act of extreme aggression.  Erasing your parent is child abuse. And children must be protected against abuse.  Any guilt over the situation lies squarely on the shoulders of all of the adults who were in charge.  Do not ever take it on – it doesn’t belong to you.  Throw it off of you, and live free.

vrijheidYou were a vulnerable child who deserved to be protected from adult hatred, adult issues, and the family court racket.  You deserved better.  How could a child ever be expected to stand against a group of adults? 

The members of the family court racket are good at what they do, because this is how they make a living.  They discovered that they didn’t have to work hard or have high standards in their professions, to make a huge pile of cash.  They do this all day, every day, every chance they get, to many people.  So if you’re struggling with why didn’t I see this coming, don’t.  Who they are and what they do is not normal.  So, no normal person could ever anticipate this.  These people are expert cons hiding behind their positions. Let that go.

As a result, you may have difficulty trusting others.  You may even find it hard to trust yourself.  But you should trust yourself.  It’s not your fault the adults let you down.

As you find your way out of this forest, know deep in your heart that you are importantYou matter!  You are worthy of the highest PRAISE for surviving it all, and you are very deeply loved.  Be proud of your inner strength!  Your great resilience!  You are a survivor!  “Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think, more talented than you know, and capable of more than you imagine.” ― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

You should also know you’re not alone.  Sadly, there are countless children who suffered like you, none of it their fault either.

1520610_10202361617074097_181679927_nSo, to any kids who may be reading this: please know that your mother grieves for you every day. She loves you with the fiercely protective, tender love of a mother’s heart.  A love you’ll never comprehend until you have children of your own.

She longs to hug you, and admire how you’ve grown.  To hear the sound of your voice, know your thoughts, and ideas.  She wants to cheer you on again!  She longs to celebrate holidays with you again, and cook your favorite foods. To share jokes, and hear your laughter.  To create new memories with you!  Mothers are like that. We love unconditionally.   We know none of this is your fault.  We’ve always known!

FB_IMG_1567190447684Our kitchens and homes are empty without you.  And we wait, hoping every day is the day we can reconnect with you. So please, if you are in this situation or know someone who is, tell your mother you love her.  She’s prayed for this every single day.

Take that first step. It may feel awkward, but it won’t be as hard as you think.  It’ll be worth it to reconnect all of your heart and soul’s missing pieces!

So, stand up, taking control of your own life, and love whoever you want to love! Life had some bitter trials, but it can be sweet again.  You can live free from the hatred and conflict of others.  It was never yours to begin with!

Just call her.  You’ll be glad you did.  Your mother is waiting with open arms.

 

 

 

Myths About Healing From Narcissists Debunked

 

“In our spiritually bypassing prone society, it’s common for survivors of narcissists to encounter harmful myths that, when internalized, can actually worsen trauma-related symptoms.

Trauma experts know there are emotions known as “natural emotions” in the context of a trauma where someone has violated you. This includes anger for the perpetrator who intentionally and maliciously caused harm. These natural emotions are meant to be fully honored, experienced, and felt in order to be processed and for healing to occur.

Malignant narcissists and psychopaths are in control of their actions, know the difference between right and wrong, and understand the harm they are causing, since survivors relay to them that they are in pain, time and time again (Hare, 2011). Therefore, for a victim to assign full responsibility to the perpetrator is a sign of “accurate thinking” that allows healing to occur, whereas blaming oneself for being the victim of a narcissist is often a distortion or stuck point that leads to more manufactured emotions.

Whatever you feel is valid. Forcing yourself to feel a certain way toward your abuser or wishing them well when you don’t feel that way authentically can delay the healthy expression of natural emotions and ultimately delay healing. It is a form of spiritual bypassing.”  3 Biggest Myths About Healing From Narcissists Debunked, Shahida Arabi

Open Letter to Vengeful Fathers Depriving Children of their Mothers

To the fathers out there depriving your children of their own Mothers – SHAME ON YOU!  You have the audacity and hearts black enough to harm your own children – just to hurt their Mothers for daring to say “No” to you.  Poor things, she left you.  So what.  Grow up!

There is nothing unique or original about your tactics and behaviors, as reported to me by countless women, and children, over the course of many years – from Chicago, Michigan, Minnesota, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Arizona, California, Iowa, Nebraska, Indiana, Wyoming, Texas, Wisconsin, Florida, Georgia, Canada, France, The UK, The Netherlands, Australia, Germany, and the list goes on.

Their reports are substantiated by the mental health research.  You are all quite predictable.

WeepingChildYou beat your chests while your children cry themselves to sleep at night.  You brag about “winning” for all to hear, while your children pretend to like you and what you’ve done – “or else”.  Yet you continue deluding yourself that you’re special.

You Gaslight, lie, and slander your child’s mother to anyone who will listen to you.  Your favorite – that she’s “crazy” – maybe she was just a little bit, for putting up with you as long as she did. 

And every time your kids hear you slander her, they’re forced to back you up, and they die a little bit more inside.  You’re not fathers.  You’re thugs.

If your own Mothers (and Fathers) knew who and what you really are, underneath your manufactured facade, how ashamed they would be.  And heart broken.

heartYour carefully crafted persona of the charming, kind, polite, generous man is nothing but a hollow sham.  In private, your masks slip, revealing your true cruel, sadistic self.  The pleasure you take in hurting others weaker than you shows on your face, reflecting the true evil of your hearts.   Your charm is a well-rehearsed act to get what you want.  You are nothing but frauds.  

There is nothing special, or note-worthy about you, other than the fact you were willing to bully someone smaller than you – your own child – to punish someone else.  All because you couldn’t bully your child’s mother directly anymore. 

You can’t feel like men unless you have someone weaker than you to bully.  How pathetic.  Any dim-witted dolt can bully women and children.

twilight-zone-its-a-good-lifeAnd you are willing to lie about anything – there is no limit to your depravity.

The set of lies you tell are universally reported, especially that she’s crazy, and cheated on you.

I’ve yet to hear from a single survivor whose abusive ex did NOT say she’s crazy.

You play the heart-broken victim, claiming she cheated on you.  But we’ve all noticed that you accuse others of the very things you are guilty of to try to throw them off your scent.

Many of you tell the children she wanted to abort them, didn’t want them.  What kind of sadteddybeara person does that to a child?

You all lie about your child’s mother’s parenting.  For years, you sat back doing the bare minimum.  But suddenly in divorce, you reinvent history.

Your lies fly out of your mouth so effortlessly, clearly you’ve been doing it all your life, and it comes naturally to you.  Next to bullying, lying is your greatest skill, and accomplishment in life.

MotherlessBoyMany of you also encourage your children to abuse their mothers.  You take sick pleasure in teaching them to do your dirty work in your place.  You think nothing of corrupting your children’s morality, while raising the next generation of abusers.  And victims.

And most of you impersonate  your children electronically,  to psychologically torture their mothers.  There must be a play-book somewhere.

You waste your talents.  When you could use them for the good of society, you squander them instead, on your plotting,  maneuvering, and manipulating.  Your favorite people are those with hearts like yours, or simple, naive people you can easily manipulate.  And use.  Or just pay off.  You are drains on society.

WeepingGirlAnd that your insides are so hollow you can’t feel good about yourself without hating anyone who dares contradict you. That your ego is so fragile, your identity so flacid, so soft, that when she said “No”, you threw your child’s Mother under the bus, backing up several times, you know, just to be sure.

And that you aren’t honorable men.  You’re posers.

And that your children don’t really love or respect you.  They only fear you and pity you.

MotherChildNeuroBondYou couldn’t be bothered with parenting before the divorce.  But suddenly you have to have the kids!  You can’t even pick on somebody your own size – using a mere child to harm the very woman who gave them life, and birthed them in a bed of pain.  The one who ran herself ragged doing all that solo parenting because you were just too important for such drudge work.  It is fascinating, the yarns you all spin about your non existent parenting work.  You care nothing about the grave harm to your own children. 

Real fathers, who truly love their kids, don’t use them as props come divorce time.

fake-oath-made-dishonest-woman-lawyer-witness-behind-her-back-isolated-white-background-60101825

It doesn’t take any special talent to charge into a bottom feeder lawyer’s office, plunk down some cash, and rehearse your lies together.  You are nothing but cowardly bullies.  Child abusers.  Frauds.  Fakes. 

You are failures as men and human beings.  You are a level of evil no decent human being could ever understand.

Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child, Sung by the Great Mahalia Jackson

Let My People Go, Sung by Gospel Feel, feat. Samantha Lavitan

Happy Vengeful Father Syndrome Day! “To all the special childless Mothers out there-you matter!!!  Happy Mother’s Day!

Mothers and Children Forever Joined At The Cellular Level vs. Tactics To Defy Nature, by Lisa Nadig  “Within weeks of conception, cells from both mother and fetus traffic back and forth across the placenta, resulting in one becoming a part of the other.”

What’s a Mother Worth? by Lisa Nadig “In 1979, a young attorney named Michael H. Minton successfully argued that a housewife was worth more than $40,000 a year. The public snorted and the press made fun, but the ramifications proved enormous. When the dust finally settled, the 33-year-old Chicago lawyer had catapulted matrimonial law into an entirely new arena.”  But here we are 40 years later, and how far have we really come?”DV by Proxy

Happy Vengeful Father Syndrome Day!

FlowerBouquetHappy Mother’s Day to all the Moms out there screwed over by our woman-hating, abuser-loving, greedy, corrupt family courts.  Mothers are amazing! It takes a really remarkable woman to survive it all.  You are loved!♥♥♥You are appreciated!♥♥♥You matter!!!♥♥♥

Mother’s are givers of life, they are kind, they are strong, they nurture.  They teach us what the words family, love, honor, and sacrifice mean. They laugh, they cry just like you and I.  They create home. They guide, they mentor.  They are nutritionists, and meal planners. They nurse, they heal, they sit with you. They are advocates, brow wipers, huggers, hand-holders, and protectors.  They have style, they have grace. They create the human race.

They work hard, they put in long hours, they are industrious.  They sew, they mend and tend.  They garden, they shop.  They are home economizers, bill payers, cooks, and chauffeurs.  They are interior decorators,  activity coordinators, and innovators.  They tend to the animals, and all creatures under their roof.  They are witty, bright, and generous of purse, time, talents, and skills.

FB_IMG_1567190447684They forgive generously, repeatedly.  They are resourceful researchers, and education interfacers.  They are capable, and fun-loving.  They are birthday cake bakers and party makers. They plan, they coordinate, they budget, they tidy it all up. They are creative, they scurry, improvising on the spot.

Moms sparkle, they beautify!   They are teachers, they are psychologists, and mediators.  They discipline, they worry, they love unconditionally.  They support, they cheer you on no matter what.  They are determined.  They have grit, they are tough.

They are loyal, they are fierce.  They are temperature takers, medicine givers, appointment makers, and frequently sleep deprived.  They are devoted, they are steadfast.

They are career sacrificers.  They are the make do with what you havers – the thrift shop dress buyers, moving sale furniture shoppers, coupon clippers, and do-withouters.  They are the the vacations,  insurance and 401k go-withouters.

Handful of starsMothers create the beauty and magic of holidays!  They are keepers of traditions.  They are gift buyers and wrappers.  They clean, decorate and prepare.  They hostess, entertain, then they pack it all up again.  They are memory makers, and photo takers.  They remember anniversaries, birthdays, and special occasions.  They are the card and gift senders.

They make you smile, they go ten extra miles!  They are loving, they are knowing and wise.  They are special, they are quirky, they are human. They are serious, they are funny, they don’t work for mere money.

1375635_10202963215273676_1558938398_nMothers are forever connected to their children at the most basic, fundamental,  core physical, cellular, mitochondrial, neurological, spiritual and emotional levels. They are all of this and so much more…they are your only, irreplaceable Mother!

♥♥♥So, to all the special, childless Moms out there – in case nobody’s told you lately – You are an amazing, terrific, remarkable, lovely, intelligent, strong, talented, resilient, breathtakingly beautiful woman!  All your work matters!  YOU MATTER!!!

♥♥♥HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!♥♥♥

 

The Verbal Vomit of the Psychological Abuser: Projection and Blame-shifting

Have you ever noticed that the psychologically abusive person invariably accuses you of what they’re really doing?  Once I understood this, I never bothered to entertain these pathetic, over the top, manipulative mind games again.

Their nonsensical word-salad, hysterical shrieking & carrying-on, their woe-is-me guilt trips, sneaky, sleight of hand distractions, lies of omission, half-truths & distortions, “because I said so” circular logic, their exaggerated over-acting, wild gesticulations, stomping about, and verbal diarrhea will show itself as the ridiculous and pathetic over-acting job that it really is; a desperate attempt to conceal who and what they really are, underneath their carefully crafted, charming charade.  And you will know everything that they themselves are really up to, behind all of their ridiculous blustering, and blundering about.  The following article does a wonderful analysis of these sad tactics.

“Like a volcano burbling and and ready to spew hot magma, hissing and blowing steam, prepared to erupt at any given moment, narcissistic abusers have great difficulty when their false self mask slips. Underneath the mask lies a psychic void in which the narcissist seeks to extract ego fuel, or narcissistic supply, from his/her relationships and interactions (Schneider, 2017). When a narcissistic abuser feels exposed due to a short-coming of their own, this person will feel as if a narcissistic injury has been imposed upon them by their targeted object (person supplying ego fuel).  It’s hard to fathom that setting a healthy boundary with a narcissist is interpreted by the abuser as an egregious, blasphemous and slanderous statement they take very personally. A healthy individual would receive a constructive comment as an opportunity to learn, grow, make amends, compromise, and evolve with their loved one. A narcissistic person is threatened by any input which renders them any thing less than exceptionally unique and special.”

Complete Article: The Verbal Vomit of the Psychological Abuser: Projection and Blame-shifting

backlit-flowers-fletchers-garden-2013

 

Self-Care Strategies To Help Manage Trauma According To Experts

Self-care helps protect our physical and mental health when we’re under stress, and taking care of ourselves as best we can is non-negotiable in the aftermath of trauma. And remember that there’s nothing selfish about self-care, especially when you’re feeling the strain of managing trauma and traumatic stress. To place a bit of loving focus on yourself, and avail yourself of support and resources that can aid in recovery and build resilience, means that you have more to contribute to those you care about in the long run.

7 Self-Care Strategies To Help Managed Trauma According To Expertsa

Domestic Violence by Proxy from One Mom’s Battle

“When a Cluster B personality disordered individual enters the family court system they wage war upon the healthy parent. They may have been absent parents never attending school, medical or dental appointments but suddenly they attend everything, preening as the doting father or mother and may push for custody. Custody is seen as a prize. The goal is to hurt the healthy primary parent and save money via child support calculations. As part of that push they groom children to see their healthy parent as untrustworthy and self-centered (projection), with divorce or separation their fault while portraying the Cluster B parent as wounded and needing the children to shower him or her with love and affection. Children often respond to this gaslighting by siding with the abusive parent.

Once the abuser has control of the children they are able to continue stalking, harassing and abusing the former partner even when the abuser has no direct access. DV can manifest in ways such as threats to the children if they display a close relationship with the former partner, destroying the children’s favorite possessions given by the former partner and emotional abuse. Children are often coached to make false allegations about the parent.

DV by proxy is very deliberate and planned. The abusers know what they are doing and chose their controlling, coercive, and illegal behaviors. The behaviors are usually surrounded by threats and fears and often include “battery, destruction of property, locking children in rooms to prevent them from calling parents, falsifying documents, along with other similar overt behaviors.” As the leadership council suggests, “Calling this behavior “parental alienation” is not strong enough to convey the criminal pattern of terroristic behaviors employed by batterers.”

The main goal of the abuser is s/he will end up with complete control over the children and will use this power over his former partner, “who tried to escape the power and control of the once abusive marriage.” They do not care if the children are harmed as long as their former partner is hurt and they feel they have won.”

COMPLETE ARTICLE:  Domestic Violence by Proxy