Category Archives: Better Training in Domestic Violence for Judges, Lawyers & Court Vendors

AMother’sHeartSongsUnsilenced Turns Seven: Why I Write, Lisa Nadig

#nataliekoga #exposethecorruption

I was forced to look directly into the face of evil, and I saw evil looking back at me. But I learned that telling the truth really does set you free – It might even save your life.

Seven years ago, on my birthday in 2014, I had no idea that my simple, anonymous blog post about a birthday cut off from my only child due to court licensed abuse, would morph into a website with the power to force the rich and powerful corrupt players in my Chicago family court case to resign. I only knew in my heart that day, celebrating my birthday alone, that I must express the inexpressible, because it was killing me. So, without any training as a writer, journalist, activist or web designer, I wrote my first article, Birthday Reflections, and published it here anonymously, on July 5, 2014.

But when the post exposing corrupt Child Representative Natalie Koga went viral, I began receiving anonymous threats to take this website down. Little did I know at the time that they were all facing investigation due to this exposure. But I will never be silenced by such bullies, and I have never accepted any payment for this website – a labor of love for fellow survivors.

Abusers know the best way to break a woman is by taking her Child. When an abusive man files for Sole Custody he gets it 70% of the time.

What began as a simple blog, developed into a comprehensive website. I’ve been contacted by people from all over the United States, and Europe, sharing similar stories, and thanking me for this site.

This site is searchable, organized under Categories and Tags. There are static “Pages” across the top, and Blog posts running down the right side.

It covers domestic abuse, legal abuse/court stalking, court corruption, Kids for Cash scams, the litigation-therapy racket, the billions of dollars in federal money for abusive fathers through the Federal Fatherhood Initiative driving these cases, the need for oversight/accountability for judges, lawyers, and court vendors, and cameras in the courtroom. Also included is information on Conservatorship and Guardianship abuse because Family Court crimes are frequently a gateway to Probate crimes.

It has comprehensive information on healing from trauma and corruption, including countless articles written by top experts, including Michael Volpe, Barry Goldstein, Tina Swithin, Doreen Ludwig, Sam Vaknin, Kim Saeed, and many others.

It also includes my own articles on healing, documenting the corruption in my own case, and others across the country. I’ve included case law, legal statutes, and lawsuits filed against corrupt officials, and abusive parents. There are Resources pages with hundreds of hours of researching and compiling valuable resources in one place.

Though when I started writing in 2014 this site was completely anonymous, my ex-husband and his vicious lawyers immediately began hauling me into court over it. Apparently, they didn’t want me to have a voice.

Natalie Koga pushed the judge to allow my ex to file 8 custody petitions, reducing my Child & I to mere commodities in their Kids for Cash scam.

As my ex’s lawyer #6 abused, and harassed me on the witness stand, to my amazement, the corrupt judge was visibly moved by my writings. For a moment frozen in time forever etched in my memory, I saw a flicker of humanity, a flash of recognition that it was wrong. I saw the person he once was as a young man, or might have become, before he fell in line, “going along to get along” in the Cook County family court racket. Visibly shaken, he quietly excused me from testifying, and hurriedly dismissed their petition for sanctions against me.

Separating children from their mothers is big business. Billions$ in Federal Fatherhood funding drives these cases, along w/ an abuser’s drive to use litigation to punish his victim for leaving & avoid child support payments.

But they kept hauling me into court to answer countless harassing motions, including four attempts to throw me in jail – all alone – because there had been so much legal/financial abuse that they ran me out of money for a lawyer.

It’s been a very long, tough journey, these past seven years. I’ve discovered things about corruption in our courts, and our government, that quite frankly, sometimes I wish I didn’t know. Dark, disturbing, ugly things that make it difficult for me to celebrate July Fourth or other patriotic holidays.

I’m grateful to the wonderful friends and mentors I’ve met along this journey. I’m inspired daily by their courage, and dedication to helping innocent people used by corrupt court officials and vendors in their pursuit of easy wealth without work – their Kids For Cash scams.

I’m profoundly grateful to the countless court victims – parents and children – who’ve stepped forward, trusting me with their stories.

The truth really does set you free – Veritas liberabit.

I’ve learned that I could survive the un-survivable – a gang – a cabal really – that tried with all their might to bully me to death through family court. I survived their threats, and stalking – both in and out of court – while being forcibly stripped of my humanity, to be used as a commodity in their scams. And I’ve learned to never stop speaking the truth, for it has the power to set you free. It might even save your life.

From One Mom’s Battle: Domestic Violence By Proxy

“A Message from OMB’s President (Rebecca Davis Merritt) and Vice President (Jennifer) about Domestic Violence by Proxy: You have probably seen OMB’s informational poster about why we advocate not using the term or “theory” of Parental Alienation. We post it once a month encouraging our readers to understand that the controlling behaviors of Cluster B parents in trying to place a wedge between the children and healthy parent is Domestic Violence by Proxy. The emotional abuse of a Cluster B is domestic Violence (DV). When a Cluster B personality disordered individual enters the family court system they wage war upon the healthy parent.

They may have been absent parents never attending school, medical or dental appointments but suddenly they attend everything, preening as the doting father or mother and may push for custody. Custody is seen as a prize. The goal is to hurt the healthy primary parent and save money via child support calculations.

As part of that push they groom children to see their healthy parent as untrustworthy and self-centered (projection), with divorce or separation their fault while portraying the Cluster B parent as wounded and needing the children to shower him or her with love and affection. Children often respond to this gaslighting by siding with the abusive parent. The Cluster B parent often blames the healthy parent for his or her own actions, claiming parental alienation (PA). If the children distrust Cluster B parent based upon a history of abusive behaviors, this estrangement is labeled as PA. The healthy parent, unfortunately, is at serious risk of losing custody  in family court.

Men who physically batter their former partner are much more likely to gain custody than the healthy parent.  Courts have been taught that women claiming DV in family court are usually lying and using this false claim to secure custody. Even when DV claims are accepted, courts falsely believe DV only affects direct victim and that abusers can be good parents to their children. Once Cluster Bs have the children away from the healthy parent, they use manipulation and other forms of abuse to convince the children that their other parent never loved them and are untrustworthy. Alina Patterson (2003) first defined Domestic Violence by Proxy or DV Proxy. DV Proxy is a pattern of behavior where a parent with a history of using domestic violence, or intimidation uses the child (as a substitute) when s/he does not have access to the former partner. Continuing the cycle of domestic violence, the cycle of Domestic Violence by Proxy starts when the victim leaves the abuser and the abuser learns the easiest way to continue to harm and control the former partner is through controlling access to the children.

Once the abuser has control of the children they are able to continue stalking, harassing and abusing the former partner even when the abuser has no direct access. DV can manifest in ways such as threats to the children if they display a close relationship with the former partner, destroying the children’s favorite possessions given by the former partner and emotional abuse. Children are often coached to make false allegations about the parent.DV by proxy is very deliberate and planned. The abusers know what they are doing and chose their controlling, coercive, and illegal behaviors. The behaviors are usually surrounded by threats and fears and often include “battery, destruction of property, locking children in rooms to prevent them from calling parents, falsifying documents, along with other similar overt behaviors.”

As the leadership council suggests, “Calling this behavior “parental alienation” is not strong enough to convey the criminal pattern of terroristic behaviors employed by batterers.” Unlike Gardner’s discredited PAS theory, the behaviors associated with DV by proxy are visible. Gardner stated the behaviors by the “alienating parent” were unconscious or unseen. This is one of the scarier components in Gardner’s theory because you cannot defend yourself against unseen things. Many healthy parents have found themselves trying to defend themselves against these unseen behaviors.

Family court professionals often fail to understand the presence and implications of both domestic violence and Cluster B psychopathology. Thus family court usually encourages unfettered access of the children to abusers. Family court judges and lawyers often work to punish healthy parents reporting bona fide abuse. Yet, they often seem to believe the victim stories told by abusers. Court officials often seem slow to recognize how family court itself can be abusive, particularly protracted, repeated, unnecessary court hearings used by the abuser to drain the financial and emotional resources of the healthy parent. Children may be placed with the abuser while the healthy parent is discredited through accusations of mental illness or PA. Other professionals involved including GALs, evaluators, therapists, etc. often take on responsibilities that are beyond their skill level. Antisocial and or Narcissistic personality disordered parents with good impression management skills are adept at “conning people, or gaining sympathy, and can win the trust and support of a family court professional while turning that same person against their ex-partner.”

The main goal of the abuser is s/he will end up with complete control over the children and will use this power over his former partner, “who tried to escape the power and control of the once abusive marriage.” They do not care if the children are harmed as long as their former partner is hurt and they feel they have won. It is imperative that the healthy parent and attorney understands how to use DV by proxy to counter and claims of parental alienation.

The following links may also be helpful: http://www.thelizlibrary.org/liz/Hoult-PASarticlechildrenslawjournal.pdfhttps://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/dv.htmlhttp://www.dvleap.org/Programs/CustodyAbuseProject/PASCaseOverview.as 

###One Mom’s Battle: Our mission at One Mom’s Battle is to increase awareness of Cluster B personality disorders (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder) and their impact upon shared parenting and the Family Court System which includes Judges, CPS workers, Guardian ad Litems (GAL), Parenting Coordinators (PC), Custody Evaluators, therapists and attorneys. Education on Cluster B disorders will allow these professionals to truly act in the best interest of the children.

History of One Mom’s Battle: In 2009, One Mom’s Battle began with one mother, (Tina Swithin), navigating the choppy waters of a high-conflict divorce in the Family Court System. Since then, it has turned into a grassroots movement reaching the far corners of the Earth. Tina’s battle spanned from 2009 – 2014 during which time she acted as her own attorney. Ultimately, Tina was successful in protecting her daughters and her family has enjoyed complete peace since October 2014 when a Family Court commissioner called her ex-husband a “sociopath” and revoked his parenting time in a final custody order.Tina Swithin: Tina Swithin’s books are available online at Amazon (print, Kindle or audio format). Each year, Tina offers life-changing weekends of camaraderie and healing at the Lemonade Power Retreat.  Tina also offers one-on-one coaching services and a private, secure forum called, The Lemonade Club, for those enduring high-conflict custody battles.”https://www.onemomsbattle.com/blog/domestic-violence-by-proxy

Domestic Violence by Proxy

Protective parents: Terms matter in the legal arena.

ABUSER, not NARCISSIST. Child abuse and domestic violence are crimes; the result of choice, not caused by mental illness or personality disorder. An abuser may also have a personality disorder, but this isn’t what causes the abuse. Calling abusive people “narcissists” reinforces legal excuses to ignore crime. Those suffering from personality disorder deserve respect, help, and support. Perpetrators of inter-family abuse suffering from personality disorder first need to encounter meaningful legal restriction before a violation of social boundary is established, the first step in their treatment.

Those suffering due to perpetrated inter-family abuse should not be subjected to mediation/ADR/psychological tests that register trauma as pathology/court-ordered co-parenting classes/referred to as a High Conflict litigant.

Domestic Violence by PROXY, not ALIENATION. Using the term Alienation-saying that a coercively controlling abusive parent is Alienating the children reinforces the myth that this behavior is more common and less serious than it actually is in contested custody cases, which adds fuel to the training organization’s fire that training in this legal tactic is justified.

Instead of adding the multitude of domestic violence cases to reinforce the legal excuse that allows abuse to be ignored by using this mild term, which doesn’t adequately represent a potentially fatal pattern of coercive control, the use of terms like Domestic Violence by Proxy child abuse or inter-family coercive control establishes advocacy for child protection and child safety in our courts.

http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/DVP.html?fbclid=IwAR1R0GvcIOSLoGLv5NdlUUmlYr643TvZLAWzC4O9vUHg-8eyWdhahXcL3uA

Abusive Power And Control

The following is an excerpt of an excellent resource on Abusive Power And Control behaviors from Wikipeda. Please see the link at the bottom of this excerpt for the complete article. It does a great job of showing many of the power and control tactics used by abusive, controlling, and manipulative people in one short article. It is also helpful in that it lists what most would consider as “positive behaviors”, i.e. doing “nice things” for someone. Most articles on abuse, power and control, and coercive control focus on the overtly negative behaviors, but leave out these positive behaviors that are also used to coerce and control others.

However, it does omit Suicidality. Many abusive, controlling and manipulative people also use threats of suicide as a means of coercive control, emotional abuse and blackmail. These suicidal threats can be overt, or more subtle references to suicide, with a manipulative, controlling intent.

Abusive power and control (also controlling behavior and coercive control) is commonly used by an abusive person to gain and maintain power and control over another person in order to subject that victim to psychologicalphysicalsexual, or financial abuse. The motivations of the abuser are varied and can include devaluationenvy, personal gain, personal gratificationpsychological projection, or just for the sake of the enjoyment of exercising power and control.[1]

Controlling abusers use tactics to exert power and control over their victims. The tactics themselves are psychologically and sometimes physically abusive. Control may be exerted through economic abuse, limiting the victim, as they may not have the means to resist or leave the abuse.[2] The goal of the abuser is to control, intimidate, and influence the victim to feel they do not have an equal voice in the relationship.[3]

Manipulators and abusers often control their victims with a range of tactics, including, but not limited to, positive reinforcement (such as praisesuperficial charmflatteryingratiationlove bombingsmilinggifts, attention), negative reinforcement (taking away aversive tasks or items), intermittent or partial reinforcement, psychological punishment (such as naggingsilent treatmentswearingthreatsintimidationemotional blackmailguilt trips, inattention) and traumatic tactics (such as verbal abuse or explosive anger).[4]

The vulnerabilities of the victim are exploited with those who are particularly vulnerable being most often selected as targets.[4][5][6] Traumatic bonding (also popularly known as Stockholm syndrome) can occur between the abuser and victim as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change and a climate of fear.[7] An attempt may be made to normaliselegitimiserationalisedeny, or minimise the abusive behaviour, or blame the victim for it.[8][9][10]

Isolationgaslightingmind gameslyingdisinformationpropagandadestabilisationbrainwashing, and divide and rule are other strategies that are often used. The victim may be plied with alcohol or drugs or deprived of sleep to help disorientate them.[11][12] Based on statistical evidence, certain personality disorders correlate with abusive tendencies of individuals with those specific personality disorders when also compiled with abusive childhoods themselves. [13]

The seriousness of coercive control in modern Western societies has been increasingly realised with changes to the law in several countries so it is a definable criminal offence. In conjunction with this there have been increased attempts by the legal establishment to understand the characteristics and effects of coercive control in legal terminology. For example, on January 1, 2019, Ireland enacted the Domestic Violence Act 2018, which allowed for the practice of coercive control to be identifiable based upon its effects on the victim. And on this basis defining it as: ‘any evidence of deterioration in the physical, psychological, or emotional welfare of the applicant or a dependent person which is caused directly by fear of the behaviour of the respondent’.[14] On a similar basis of attempting to understand and stop the widespread practice of coercive control, in 2019, the UK government made teaching about what coercive control was a mandatory part of the education syllabus on relationships.[15] While coercive control is often considered in the context of an existing intimate relationship, when it is used to elicit a sexual encounter it is legally considered as being a constituent part of sexual abuse or rape. When it is used to begin and maintain a longer term intimate relationship it is considered to be a constituent element of sexual slavery.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abusive_power_and_control

Are You In A Trauma Bonded Relationship?

Trauma Bonding Relationships

Avatar

Jo Yurcaba・October 12, 2020

“A trauma bonding relationship is reflective of an attachment created by repeated physical or emotional trauma with intermittent positive reinforcement, according to licensed psychologist Liz Powell, PsyD. Put simply, in a relationship with trauma bonding, there’s “a lot of really terrible stuff happening and then occasionally really great stuff happening,” they say.

Trauma bonding isn’t limited to happening in just romantic relationships, either. It can also happen in dynamics that include fraternity hazing, military training, kidnapping, child abuse, political torture, cults, prisoners of war, or concentration camps, Dr. Powell says…..” https://www.wellandgood.com/trauma-bonding-relationship/

Domestic Violence by Proxy from One Mom’s Battle

“When a Cluster B personality disordered individual enters the family court system they wage war upon the healthy parent. They may have been absent parents never attending school, medical or dental appointments but suddenly they attend everything, preening as the doting father or mother and may push for custody. Custody is seen as a prize. The goal is to hurt the healthy primary parent and save money via child support calculations. As part of that push they groom children to see their healthy parent as untrustworthy and self-centered (projection), with divorce or separation their fault while portraying the Cluster B parent as wounded and needing the children to shower him or her with love and affection. Children often respond to this gaslighting by siding with the abusive parent.

Once the abuser has control of the children they are able to continue stalking, harassing and abusing the former partner even when the abuser has no direct access. DV can manifest in ways such as threats to the children if they display a close relationship with the former partner, destroying the children’s favorite possessions given by the former partner and emotional abuse. Children are often coached to make false allegations about the parent.

DV by proxy is very deliberate and planned. The abusers know what they are doing and chose their controlling, coercive, and illegal behaviors. The behaviors are usually surrounded by threats and fears and often include “battery, destruction of property, locking children in rooms to prevent them from calling parents, falsifying documents, along with other similar overt behaviors.” As the leadership council suggests, “Calling this behavior “parental alienation” is not strong enough to convey the criminal pattern of terroristic behaviors employed by batterers.”

The main goal of the abuser is s/he will end up with complete control over the children and will use this power over his former partner, “who tried to escape the power and control of the once abusive marriage.” They do not care if the children are harmed as long as their former partner is hurt and they feel they have won.”

COMPLETE ARTICLE:  Domestic Violence by Proxy

Learned Helplessness

Learned Helplessness is a common challenge for survivors of trauma, controlling or toxic relationships, abuse, and exploitation.  The survivor has learned through repeated experience, that in order to stay “safe”, they must not challenge the status quo.  That they have no power over their situation anyway and must flip into freeze mode.  They go numb to what is happening around them.  Pretty soon this numbness is the go-to mode.  There is no more of the natural fight or flight response.  It has become eliminated.  Only freeze remains.

People who feel powerless to change their adverse circumstances quite naturally become depressed.  But Depression only worsens the feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.  Depression colors our world grey, narrows our focus to the point we can no longer see any shades of light or possibility.  Depression and Learned Helplessness feed off of one another, and the cycle is perpetuated.

Hurtful, toxic relationships, controlling people, abusive, demeaning and traumatic situations do not empower us to be the best versions of ourselves, to think and act powerfully and authentically for ourselves.  They do the opposite.  They ensnare us into becoming dis-empowered, ineffective, cowering, hesitant, over-thinking, emotionally frozen and helpless servants of the agendas of others.

In order to heal, and become self-actualized individuals – to become our best, most effective selves, we must be able to live free of controlling, toxic, and negative situations.  Like a plant in an overcrowded garden starved of sunshine and nutrients growing spindly, crooked and malnourished, so the survivor becomes stunted by learned helplessness.  Only when the plant is freed from overcrowding can it bask in the sun and be completely nourished, and grow to full potential.  Only when people can live in peace and freedom, can they begin to have their needs met, and begin to grow, learn, and peel back the layers of helpless, ineffectual thought and behavior patterns that were learned over time.

Though it is a process, we can learn new ways of thinking.  We can learn new approaches to living, decision-making, identifying and working towards our own goals, and self-development.  When we make our own needs and self-care a priority, we can gradually un-learn helplessness.  Our brains have great plasticity, and our own confidence, courage, effectiveness and empowerment can be re-learned.

Some articles on Learned Helplessness:

Medical News Today: Learned Helplessness

Learned Helplessness and C-PTSD

Plant-in-Sunlight-864x577

Justice For All Task Force, Detroit, 2/24/2020

“Victims of domestic violence and protective parents do not have equal access to justice nor do they have access to equal justice in our family courts in this State.”

Photo: Michigan Supreme Court-Chief Justice Bridget Mary McCormack, Justice Stephen J. Markman, Justice Brian K. Zahra, Justice David F. Viviano, Justice Richard Bernstein, Justice Elizabeth T. Clement, Justice Megan K. Cavanagh.

Justice For All Task Force – Michigan-Detroit, February 24, 2020

Brave Michigan Survivors of Domestic & Legal Abuse confront the reality that Mothers are not allowed to protect their children from abusive fathers, despite overwhelming, irrefutable evidence of abuse by the father.  That “father’s rights” trumps all, child safety, health & well-being doesn’t matter, the right of children to have their Mothers parent them doesn’t matter, the rights of Mothers to their own children do not matter in Michigan.  None of it matters and it must change now!!!!

MichiganSupremeCourt

An Authentic Life

10450164_10152546729544630_5902281272797765777_n“You may learn to manipulate people to act the way you are requesting from them, and they will learn to manipulate you back to act the way they require from you, but when and if that happens and you realize it, it becomes very sad.  Please do not go that route.  A life of manipulation is a life of bondage, intrigues, lies and loneliness.  Do not play that game.  At the end the only one who loses is you.”  – Erika Ferenczi

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~ Carl Jung

1375635_10202963215273676_1558938398_n “As children, we are sponges. We take on the beliefs and values of those we look up to, depend on, love or, sadly, even fear. Some of these beliefs may be serving us well; others are doing the exact opposite.  Taking the time to reflect on what is important to us, what resonates, what is truly our belief is a step we must all take. Without doing this, we are carrying around baggage that is not our own: baggage that keeps us from finding our authentic self. By exposing ourselves to new ideas and different ways of being, we can discover what resonates within us.”  – Diane Mottle, MSW

“Everything will line up perfectly when knowing and living the truth becomes more important than looking good.” – Alan Cohen

“If any man seeks for greatness, let him forget greatness and ask for truth, and he will find both.” – Horace Mann

“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.”  – Mark Twain

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Widely Anticipated Article Confirms Court Mistreatment of Protective Mothers, Pt. 1, by Barry Goldstein

Part 1

For decades, protective mothers have been complaining that family courts are tilted to favor abusive fathers and that they face corruption. Court officials have tended to respond defensively and dismissed the domestic violence victims as disgruntled litigants. Over the years an ever growing collection of research, media investigations and preventable tragedies have supported the mothers’ position, but in a form of confirmation bias, court officials have ignored inconvenient findings.

In my first book with Mo Hannah, Sharon K. Araji and Rebecca L. Bosek wrote an interesting chapter in which they looked at surveys of protective mothers in five states which showed consistent court failures to protect children. It might be easy to dismiss the research because mothers with bad outcomes might be biased, but the authors compared the mother’s complaints with credible research and found the findings supported the mothers. The courts were routinely treating the mothers as if they were not credible but the scientific findings supported other research that found protective mothers rarely make deliberate false complaints.

The ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) Studies from the CDC demonstrated that domestic violence and child abuse are far more harmful than previously understood and that physical abuse is not required to ruin children’s lives. In other words the courts have been minimizing the seriousness of DV and child abuse and basically ignoring non-physical tactics. Despite the research, courts are still not focused on reducing the fear and stress from abuser tactics that cause children so much harm. And most of the standard court practices undermine the needed healing.

The Saunders’ Study was designed to consider the knowledge and training about domestic violence possessed by evaluators, judges and lawyers. The Study found many of these professionals do not have the specific knowledge necessary to respond to domestic violence. Those without the needed training tend to focus on the myth that mothers frequently make deliberate false reports and unscientific alienation theories. These mistakes lead to outcomes that harm children. Five years after the release of the Saunders’ Study these mistaken assumptions continue to predominate. Saunders also looked at harmful outcome cases in which alleged abusers win custody and safe, protective mothers are limited to supervised visitation. These decisions are always wrong and based on flawed practices but remain common in the family courts.

Widely Anticipated Article Confirms Court Mistreatment of Protective Mothers